The Larch

[olyclimber]

Larches are conifers in the genus Larix, in the family Pinaceae. They are native to much of the cooler temperate northern hemisphere, on lowlands in the far north, and high on mountains further south. Larches are among the dominant plants in the immense boreal forests of Russia and Canada.

 

They are deciduous trees, growing from 15-50 m tall. The shoots are dimorphic, with growth divided into long shoots typically 10-50 cm long and bearing several buds, and short shoots only 1-2 mm long with only a single bud. The leaves are needle-like, 2-5 cm long, slender (under 1 mm wide). They are borne singly, spirally arranged on the long shoots, and in dense clusters of 20-50 needles on the short shoots. The needles turn yellow and fall in the late autumn, leaving the trees leafless through the winter.

 

Larch cones are erect, small, 1-9 cm long, green or purple, ripening brown 5-8 months after pollination; in about half the species the bract scales are long and visible, and in the others, short and hidden between the seed scales. Those native to northern regions have small cones (1-3 cm) with short bracts, with more southerly species tending to have longer cones (3-9 cm), often with exserted bracts, with the longest cones and bracts produced by the southernmost species, in the Himalaya.

 

Here is a pic of a male and female larch going at it:

 

 

[lI1|1!]

The Lurch - Dance craze introduced on the October 30, 1965 Halloween episode of SHINDIG, an ABC teen rock music program. After assisting Boris Karloff with his rendition of the "Monster Mash," Ted Cassidy, who played the zombie butler, Lurch on the sitcom THE ADDAMS FAMILY/ABC/1964-66, debuted a new dance craze called "The Lurch." The dance steps were nothing more than a lot of shuffling and arm dangling a la the Frankenstein Monster. "The Lurch" was released as a single 45 record (Capitol 5503) with the vocals performed by Ted Cassidy and a background female chorus and music by Gary Paxton. THE ADDAMS FAMILY episode No. 33 "Lurch, the Teenage Idol" (5-14-65) predated this event with a storyline where Lurch records a song at the harpsichord and soon becomes the idol of screaming teenage fans.

 

 

[olyclimber]

Screech:

Dustin Neil Diamond (born January 7, 1977), is an American actor who gained fame during the 1990s as Samuel "Screech" Powers, a nerdy character in the popular sitcom Saved by the Bell.

 

Little known Screech fact: n the May 2006 issue of Stuff magazine the readers voted Diamond the 3rd most annoying former child actor that they would like to punch in the face. He was beaten by former child stars Danny Bonaduce and Corey Feldman.

[chirp]

[G-spotter]

Opening as usual - man running through a forest towards camera with clothes tattered; arrives at camera, and says:

It's Man It's...

Voice Over Monty Python's Flying Circus.

ANIMATION: Titles sequence as usual. And pretty flowers blooming. This finishes, and a magic lantern slide (done graphically) clicks into vision.

Voice Over (and CAPTION:)

'EPISODE 12B'

'HOW TO RECOGNISE DIFFERENT TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY'

'NO. 1'

'THE LARCH'

Photo of a larch tree.

Voice Over The larch. The larch.

Courtroom: a judge sitting at higher level and a prisoner in the dock.

Judge Mr Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?

Prisoner Well... I'd just like to say, m'lud, I've got a family... a wife and six kids... and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom... because... well, because m'lud freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society. (slips into Olivier impression) It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul, and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the saviour of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss'd mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Judge It's only a bloody parking offence.

The counsel strides into court.

Counsel I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park. Er... don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.

A pepperpot walks into the court and gets up into the witness box.

Clerk of the Court Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.

Pepperpot (taking bible) I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what, anyway it was a white wedding much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind so Mrs Harris said, so she said, she said, she said, the dead crab she said, she said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a tree surgeon but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said...

During all this counsel has been trying to ask questions. Eventually he gives up and Mrs. Lewis is pushed out of court still talking.

Judge Mr Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.

Counsel My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Arthur Aldridge.

Clerk of the Court The late Arthur Aidridge.

Judge The late Arthur Aldridge?

Counsel Yes m'lud.

A coffin is brought into the court and laid across the witness box.

Judge Mr Bartlett, do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?

Counsel I beg your pardon m'lud.

Judge Well, I mean, your witness is dead.

Counsel Yes, m'lud. Er, well, er, virtually, m'lud.

Judge He's not completely dead?

Counsel No he's not completely dead m'lud. No. But he's not at all well.

Judge But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?

Counsel Oh, it's purely a precaution m'lud - if I may continue? Mr Aldridge, you were a... you are a stockbroker of 10 Savundra Close, Wimbledon. (from the coffin comes a bang) Mr Aldridge...

Judge What was that knock?

Counsel It means 'yes' m'lud. One knock for 'yes', and two knocks for 'no'. If I may continue? Mr Aldridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well? (from the coffin comes a bang) In fact Mr Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, 'dead'? (silence, counsel listens;) Mr Aldridge I put it to you that you are dead. (silence) Ah ha!

Judge Where is all this leading us?

Counsel That will become apparent in one moment m'lud. (walking over to coffin) Mr Aldridge are you considering the question or are you just dead? (silence) I think I'd better take a look m'lud. (he opens the coffin and looks inside for some time; then he closes the coffin) No further questions m'lud.

Judge What do you mean, no further questions? You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say 'no further questions'. I demand an explanation.

Counsel There are no easy answers in this case m'lud.

Judge I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.

Counsel M'lud the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly m'lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous ...

Judge Mr Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.

Counsel Parking offence, schmarking offence, m'lud. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu.

Judge Oh, you're just trying to string this case out. Cardinal Richelieu?

Counsel A character witness m'lud.

Fanfare of trumpets. Cardinal Richelieu enters witness box in beautiful robes.

Cardinal 'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be 'ere y'know, I just love your country. London is so beautiful at this time of year.

Counsel Er, you are Cardinal Armand du Piessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Louis XIII?

Cardinal Oui.

Counsel Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?

Cardinal (modestly) That's what they say.

Counsel Did you persecute the Huguenots?

Cardinal Oui.

Counsel And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?

Cardinal I sure did that thing.

Counsel Cardinal. Are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Larch?

Cardinal Since I was so high (indicated how high).

Counsel Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world already - would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?

Cardinal Listen. Harry is a very wonderful human being.

Counsel M'lud. In view of the impeccable nature of this character witness may I plead for clemency.

Judge Oh but it's only thirty shillings.

Enter Inspector Dim.

Dim Not so fast!

Prisoner Why not?

Dim (momentarily thrown) None of your smart answers ... you think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim.

A caption appears on the screen 'DIM OF THE YARD'

Omnes (in unison) Dim! Consternation! Uproar!

Dim Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

Cardinal Bonjour Monsieur Dim.

Dim So-called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died in December 1642.

Cardinal That is correct.

Dim Ah ha! He fell for my little trap.

Court applauds and the Cardinal looks dismayed.

Cardinal Curse you Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people.

Dim And furthermore I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

Cardinal It's a fair cop.

Counsel My you're clever Dim. He'd certainly taken me in.

Dim It's all in a day's work.

Judge With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.

Dim Yes.

Judge What?

Piano starts playing introduction.

Dim (singing)

If I were not in the CID

Something else I'd like to be

If I were not in the CID

A window cleaner, me!

With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub

And a rub-a-dub all day long

With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub

I'd sing this merry song!

 

He mimes window cleaning movements and the rest of the court enthusiastically mimes and sings the chorus again with him. When the chorus verse ends the counsel enthusiastically takes over but this time the court all sit and watch him as though he has gone completely mad.

Counsel (Singing)

If I were not before the bar

Something else I'd like to be

If I were not a barr-is-ter

An engine driver me!

With a chuffchuffchuff etc.

 

He makes engine miming movements. As before. After a few seconds he sees that the rest of the court are staring at him in amazement and he loses momentum rapidly, almost as rapidly as he loses confidence and dignity. At last he subsides. Our knight in armour walks up to the counsel and hits him with the traditional raw chicken.

Voice Over (and CAPTION:)

'NO. 1'

'THE LARCH'

Photo of larch tree.

Voice Over The larch. The larch.

 

Voice Over (and CAPTION:)

'AND NOW...NO. 1...THE LARCH...AND NOW...'

 

Superman film: shot from below of Superman (Michael) striding along against the sky.

Commentator (American accent) This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F. G. Superman. To all appearances, he looks like any other law-abiding citizen.