glacierdog Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Since I haven't seen Sisu (he's moved to Hawaii!) on here for a while, I feel I must fill the void. A young ventriloquist and his dummy is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your degenerating blond jokes, a**hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person . because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of 'humor'." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this, Mister . . . I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjd Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott_J Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Glacierdog, go screw yourself. No time to edit. Leaving the country in 4 days!!!!!!! Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a > restaurant one morning. > > Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's > ear and she said, > > '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository > in your left ear?" > > Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my > ear?" She pulled it out > > and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm > glad you saw this thing. > > Now I think I know where to find my hearing > aid." > > > > > > > > > > > > When the husband finally died his wife put the > usual death notice in the > > paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. > > No sooner were the papers delivered when a > friend of the family phoned and > > complained bitterly, "You know very well that > he died of diarrhea, not > > gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him > night and day so of course I > > know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it > would be better for posterity > > to remember him as a great lover rather than > the big shit he always was." > > > > > > > > > > An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was > really stormy. They were > > standing on the back of the boat watching the > moon, when a wave came up > > and washed the old woman overboard. They > searched for days and couldn't > > find her, so the captain sent the old man back > to shore with the promise > > that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three > weeks went > > by and finally the old man got a fax from the > boat. It read: "Sir, sorry > > to inform you, we found your wife dead at the > bottom of the ocean. We > > hauled her up to the deck and attached to her > butt was an oyster and in it > > was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." > The old man faxed back: > > "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A funeral service is being held for a woman > who has just passed away. At > > the end of the service, the pall bearers are > carrying the casket out when > > they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring > the casket. They hear a faint > > moan. They open the casket and find that the > woman is actually alive! > > She lives for ten more years, and then dies. > Once again, a ceremony is > > held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers > are again carrying out the > > casket. As they carry the casket towards the > door, the husband cries out, > > "Watch that wall!" > > > > > > > > > > > > > > When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old > lady sitting on a park bench > > sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her > what was wrong. She said, "I > > have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes > love to me every morning and > > then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, > fresh fruit and freshly > > ground coffee." > > I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She > said, "He makes me homemade > > soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and > then makes love to me for half > > the afternoon. > > > > I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, > "For dinner he makes me a > > gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert > and then makes love to me > > until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the > world would you be crying?" > > She said, "I can't remember where I live!" > > > > > > > > > > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many > decades. Over the years they > > had shared all kinds of activities and > adventures. Lately, their > > activities had been limited to meeting a few > times a week to play cards. > > > > One day they were playing cards when one > looked at the other and said, > > "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been > friends for a long > > time.....but I just can't think of your name! > I've thought and thought, > > but I can't remember it. Please tell me what > your name is." Her friend > > glared at her. For at least three minutes she > just stared and glared at > > her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need > to know?" > > > > > > THE SENILITY PRAYER > > > > Grant me the senility to forget the people I > never liked anyway, > > the good fortune to run into the ones I do, > > and the eyesight to tell the difference. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
griz Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 I got this one emailed to me a couple days ago...: The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glacierdog Posted September 30, 2004 Author Share Posted September 30, 2004 Hey sisu, check your PM's. Good to hear from ya Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rbw1966 Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Looks like the latest issue of the AARP newsletter landed on Sisu's porch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dutch Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Glacierdogg..... YOU ARE TRULY SCREWED MY FRIEND!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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