good jokes?

[Skeezix]

There's these three nuns, getting on in years. First one dies, and St. Peter meets her at the pearly gates. Looking in his big book, he says, "Sister, you've lived a pretty good life ...but nobody's perfect, and I see a few black marks in the book next to your name. Hmmm. Tell you what. Answer this question, and you can go on into heaven: Who was the first man God put in the Garden of Eden?"

The first nun replied, "That's easy --Adam."

The lights flashed, the bells rang, the pearly gates opened and she went right on in.

The second nun, who was a bit naughtier than the first, died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met her at the pearly gates and said, "Sister, you did the Lord's work during your life, but you had your fun too. I see some marks in the book by your name... Tell you what. Answer this question and I'll let you into heaven: Who was the first woman God put in the garden of Eden?"

The second nun said, "That's easy --Eve."

The lights flashed, the bells rang, the pearly gates opened and she went on in.

The third nun, who was at times downright randy, finally died and went up to heaven. St. Peter arched an eyebrow as he looked at all the black marks next to her name in the book. "Sister, you should have taken your vows more seriously in the first life! But, I gave the other two a deal, so I guess I'll make the same deal for you. If you can answer this one question, I'll let you into heaven: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him in the Garden of Eden?"

"That's a hard one!" the nun replied.

The lights flashed, the bells rang, and she went right on into heaven.

[ketch]

This little boy walks into the kitchen and says "Mom, how much do you weigh?" Son, it's not polite to ask a woman that question. So he goes to play and comes back a bit later. "Mom, how old are you?" Son, it's not polite to ask a woman that question. Oh, and he goes out to play

 

After a bit the dad goes and explains that mom is right but if you really need to know go in and ask nicely to see her drivers license. Thanks Dad and in the house he goes.

 

After a bit he comes out all excited. Dad, Dad quess what, Mom is 36 years old, she is 140 pounds, and (he leans over and whispers) Mom got an "F" in sex.

[Szyjakowski]

As the President is getting off the helicopter on the White House lawn, he has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Sir, nice pigs, sir!"

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Sir,nice trade, sir!"

[tread_tramp]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in the bedroom.

 

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old.

 

"I think it's about time we started cussing."

 

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

 

The 6-year-old continues: "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "Hell" and you say "Ass."

 

"OK!" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

 

"Ah Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

 

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mom in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.

 

The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out."

 

"And what do you want for breakfast young man."

 

"I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[ketch]

 

 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the

morning by a loud pounding on the door.

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken

stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for

a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in

the morning!"

 

He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it

is pouring out there!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

 

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we

broke down and those two guys helped us?

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed

of yourself !"

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out

into the pounding rain.

 

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still

there?"

 

"Yes" comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.