Dave_Schuldt Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Subject: Things You Have to Believe to Be a Conservative Republican Today 1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. 2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq. 3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness. 4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India. 5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. 6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. 7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. 8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican. 9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. 10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money. 11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart. 12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. 13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. 14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. 15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. 16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. 17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. 18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt. 19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. 20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
assmonkey Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Damn. I thought this was going to be a picture of a large housecat. - a s s m o n k e y Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martlet Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 That's good, here's another! 20 Ways to Tell You're a Democrat: 1) You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding. 2) You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand - In short: you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent. 3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid. 5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Koreans. 6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. 7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural. 8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. 9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty-faced activists who've never been outside Seattle do. 10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. 11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding. 12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. 13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the programming quality PBS does. 14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. 15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high. 16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison. 17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. 18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV. 19) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black people couldn't make it without your help. 20) You have to believe that the only reason democratic socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashw_justin Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars. somebody's gonna eat some words... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skeezix Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 ATM fees ARE too high! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisT Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 ditto Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.