'Twas the day after New Years . . .

[Matt_Anderson]

'Twas the day after New Years at Chanderson Crags

Lily noticed my ass cheeks felt like great lumpy bags.

"My husband is hung, but what do I care?

His belly is big and covered with hair!

I remember the day when that hair graced his head

Now it creeps down his back while we snuggle in bed"

"Piss off, My love - That's a big load of crap . . .

And quit your damn whining - I need my nap!"

Suddenly out in front there arose such a clatter,

Lily kicked me off the couch to see what was the matter.

My head hit the window, I puked in the sash.

Apparently New Years, still had a backlash.

The clatter was Kimmo pulling up in his car

"It's climbing night, Matt, why do you smell like a cigar?"

His conditioning was perfect! His deltoids did poke,

Through the sides of his festive and warm winter cloak.

I grumbled and stumbled, tottered and fell

As I opened the gym and gave out a yell.

"You Fucker! You asshole! You bastard, you bitch -

I climb better than you, if its pitch after pitch!"

He smiled so slyly, after glimpsing my belly,

"That may well be, but your forearms are jelly!"

He sprang on the walls, caressing each hold,

A spectacle of joy and mastery to behold.

Shocked by his power, dismayed by his grace,

I fled to the house, to hide my disgrace.

There I found Lily, feeding Daniel and Vance,

She hoped to fat'n them, giving Matty a chance.

"Off to the gym, and challenge my husband!

He's not allowed back, 'till he's 10-pounds less rotund."

They pushed and they prodded and rolled me out back

Ignoring my pleas for just a little slack!

I fought and I scraped, with vigor and piss

Till reinforcements arrived - Todd, Nick and Chris!

I sulked in the corner and they flew from the crimps,

Like half crazed marmots or meth-addled chimps.

But it seemed so much fun, my memory did jog,

Of sun blessed climbing before the holiday fog.

I swore to myself "I'll lose this fat!"

And rejoined the group, feeding the rat.

I tugged and I pawed till the cold air grew hot,

But still could not send, even with a five person spot!

The low point was reached just after Jeff was hailed -

That one-shouldered freak sent the problem I failed!

The posse did grow, Jim, Erich and Kasi,

Were immediately joined by Siang, Randy and Jesse.

They pushed and they groaned in particular Andreus

But they'd've had more hope, if I'd been a bus

The posse grew listless and began to disperse

"That pathetic Matt should sleep in a hearse . . ."

But a light on the horizon did suddenly appear

Matt's shrewdest of partners was soon drawing near

Rob Price in his Porshe, drove up with a roar,

Ready to use his managerial lore

Simple his solution - "Mention that Todd onsighted it,

Fatty'll float the crux, not even notice it!"

The challenge relayed, and Matty did send

"I'll never be beaten by my skinniest friend!"

Todd was a gentleman, which made it more fun,

'Till that pothead suggested the grade was V None!

Now listen, you climbers, to the voice from the Height,

Get your ass to the gym, save yourself from this plight!

[sexual_chocolate]

 

that bad, eh? can't wait to see the new you....

[Toast]

That'sa classic