Latest Headline

[JGowans]

Kerry Criticizes Bush’s Wanking

 

Boston, MA.

 

A group calling themselves Privileged Adolescent Wankers For Truth today sought to cast doubt on President Bush’s ability to govern for another four years by launching a critical ad campaign focusing on President Bush’s wanking prowess during his freshman year at Yale. The ad claims that President Bush was a wanker of average ability with no less or no more reproductive capabilities than the roughly teaspoonful norm. John Doe, a Yale classmate of Bush explained, “For the past four years we’ve had to endure President Bush’s Wild West swagger and his big swinging dick being thrown around like a Texas gusher all over the Middle East. The reality is that he’s very averagely endowed and during our Yale Fraternity Circle Jerks, Mr. Bush displayed no greater aptitude for wanking than the rest of us. Sure, it was quite a feat that he was able to ejaculate anything at all given that he used to drink those big goldfish bowl cocktails like there was no tomorrow, but we were all at it then. That perpetual smirk on his face suggests that he’s walking around with a package bigger than Ron Jeremies and that just isn’t the case. Voters need to know that when they go to the booth in November, they are potentially voting for what can only be described as a very average candidate.”

 

Scott McLellan, Republican Spokesman commented on the brouhaha by stating, “The President is very proud of his accomplishments as a budding wanker in Yale. He never claimed that he was a bigger wanker than anyone else, and this is just another attempt by democratic special interest groups funded by soft money to smear and besmirch the President by calling into question his virility. Voters will see through this veneer and elect President Bush in November knowing that he is in fact a dedicated proponent of Tantra love making and in full control of his shwerve.”

 

Latest polls suggest that women favor the softer side of President Bush while men are losing faith in a president once thought of as a champion wanker.

 

AP.

[JGowans]

Kerry Yawns at Rally

 

Nashville, TN

 

During a Nashville Democratic Rally for Senator John Kerry, Senator Kerry appeared to yawn during remarks by his running mate John Edwards.

 

Local resident, Billy Joe Johnson, 42, recalled the incident with animated shock, “I was listening to John Edwards talk about Two Americas and his dad working in some mill when all of a sudden, John Kerry opened his mouth and started to yawn. He tried to disguise it by clamping his mouth shut, but everybody could see that his jaw muscles were straining. I was undecided before today, but I’m going to vote for President Bush now. I can’t ever see myself voting for a man that yawns during his guy’s speech.”

 

Kerry tried to downplay the incident by suggesting that he was merely exercising his upper and lower mandible before his own remarks but when confronted by television footage, he later said that perhaps he was stifling a nervous yawn most often seen by top athletes prior to big events.

 

Scott McLellan, Republican Spokesman, stated, “This latest issue will not sit well with American voters. Despite Kerry’s millions and privileged background, his parents obviously failed to instill common manners and this cuts to the very core of our platform on family values. How can anyone vote in good conscience for a man who doesn’t cover his mouth when yawning? Moreover, the fact that he yawned during his own running mate’s speech can only further strengthen our belief that the democratic platform is both boring and irrelevant in today’s vibrant economy.”

 

For Billy Joe Johnson, Kerry’s apparent flip-flop on the now notorious yawn is the last straw, “John Kerry served well in Vietnam or so I though until I saw those ads, and now he’s flipping and flopping worse than a catfish on a hook. There ain’t no way this country should elect somebody with no manners.”

 

A Gallup poll conducted after the rally with Nashville constituents suggested that voters are evenly divided on Kerry’s faux pas.

 

AP.

[tomtom]

Faux Pas? That's French, ain't it?

 

Commie Bastard.

[JGowans]

Commie Bastard.

 

Who? Kerry or me?

[Dru]