glacier Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Memo from SANTA I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida , Virginia , North and South Carolina , Tennessee , Mississippi , Texas , and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally, 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glacier Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Santa Letters Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy: Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah: Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,Teddy Dear Teddy: Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid Mom, who rides his @ss constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis: Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan: Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas: All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the @sses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica: Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiny begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your @ss whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan_Harris Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 "Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you’re home. " - Carol Nelson Good stuff, keep it coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan_Harris Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 "If the Three Wise Men arrived here tonight, the likelihood is that they would be deported." - Preinsias de Rossa, December 1997 Especially with the risk warning at orange and the fact they are Middle Eastern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan_Harris Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 (edited) "Never forget your dignity as his children! Here at Bethlehem the Divine Child was laid in a manger in a stable; shepherds from nearby fields who were your ancestors were the first to receive the heavenly message of peace and hope for the world. God’s design was fulfilled in the midst of humility and poverty." Pope John Paul II Visit to Palestinian Refugee Camp March 22, 2000 A very Merry Christmas to all at cc.com. And may the new year bring you many new and exciting adventures. Edited December 25, 2003 by Dan_Harris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.