WhippersAndTears Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 The Dirtbag Dude's Guide to Picking Up Hot Girls at the Crag by JESSE JAMES http://WhippersAndTears.com What I love about climbing is that it’s not only tolerable – but accepted, even mandatory – to stare at some hot girl’s ass while she climbs. In any other situation you would surely get slapped for looking at a girl’s butt for so long (or beaten up by her boyfriend), but not at the crag. No way. See a butt you like on the wall? Well, now, it’s time to move in. First you need to get her attention. Take off your shirt. Sun’s out? Guns out. Is she looking at you yet? No? Move next to her and start talking about some hard routes, even if you never climbed them. *cough* The Rostrum. *cough* Astroman. The Nose on El Cap was so rad. A day? Oh, hell yeah. Like it was nuthin. Make sure she can hear you, man! Did that work? No? Try name dropping. You might not be famous or cool, but maybe you climbed with someone famous or cool. You rope up with Honnold, right? Ya, like all the time. Remember: It’s not lying – it’s flirting. Has she got the hots for you yet? No? Shit, son, it’s time for some next-level pickup. You gotta demonstrate your bona fides. I mean saddle up, cowboy. You need to IMMEDIATELY jump on the hardest route you can possibly climb. Rip off that shirt. Grunt your way up the overhanging rock – skip bolts, run it out, and try not to die. Unleash a savage man-beast howl at the chains – GRRRHHHHHHHAAAAA!! Yeah, dude, you got her attention now. For sure. Unless … there is a crusher lurking nearby. WARNING: Your worst nightmare is the crusher! At any crag, there are bound to be multiple handsome dudes pawing at one hot girl. This is a problem. You must isolate the competition. If there is a crusher on the loose, watch out! He might steal your girl. You need to strip him of his manhood. Be like, ‘Oh, yeah, he’s just a SPORT climber.’ Make sure to pronounce the word ‘sport’ with as much condescension as you can muster. Practice at home if necessary. Repeat after me: ‘Ohhh, he’s just a SPORT climber. Trad is so much harder.’ Of course, you better sack up right then and there. Grab some cams and GO! GO! GO! Show that sport twinkie who the real man is! After your death-defying trad lead, shuffle over to her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear; ‘He might have bigger muscles than me, babe, but you can see my balls from space.’ Next step? Get up close and personal. Is she working a route? Show her some ‘moves.’ Women love it when you pay attention to them. Take an interest in her project – ‘wow, that’s so sick’ – even if it is five grades easier than your warmup. Good news, boys; climbing is your license to touch – and women get mega turned on when you touch them. Is her harness too loose? Adjust it for her, real slow. Show her the beta on her project by guiding her body gently through the moves on the ground. Massage her shoulders before her big send. Is the first bolt 1 meter up? Give her a spot. Obviously, and this is extremely important, seize any and every opportunity to grab her ass. All in the name of safety, remember. It’s no secret that girls love money, but since you’re a climber, I know you’re broke as dirt. Do not fret. Talk about those sponsorships that might be coming in – one day. Free Patagonia jackets, free climbing ropes, maybe even a free cam or two – you just gotta send that next hard project that you’ve been working for years. Brag about your awesome van that you camperized in a Home Depot parking lot in two hours – girls love a handyman. You’ve been living in it how long? Just make sure there’s nothing else living in it, like mice. And if you invite her back to your wicked rig for ‘dinner,’ hopefully we’re not talking about Kraft Dinner. You do have some real food, don’t you? In an article for Outdoor Research, Beth Rodden gives men some pickup tips. She says to ‘impress her outside of your climbing abilities.’ Good call. If nothing else works, do one-arm pullups, like Honnold. As many as possible, right in front of her. Beth also says ‘make sure you are clean.’ Obviously, if you smell like wet diapers, you’re not gonna bag that hot climber babe you’ve been oogling. At least take a hobo shower at Starbucks before you go prowling. Whatever you do, avoid bouldering gyms, especially indoor bouldering gyms. I went down to the Hive in N. Van cruising for chicks, and some ripped freak was swinging all over the wall like a monkey on yayo, doing moves that looked more like Parkour than rock climbing. How the fuck does a trad climber compete with that? The boulderfields outdoors are not much better. Avoid them. I know you’re desperate, but you’re not THAT desperate. Those boulderers share more than just beta – you could get clapped a day’s drive out if the wind is right. Most importantly, learn to handle repeated rejection with dignity and grace; you came to crush, not creep on girls. Jesse James Relationship Status: Single (lol) http://whippersandtears.com/the-dirtbag-dudes-guide-to-picking-up-hot-girls-at-the-crag/ Quote
ivan Posted November 28, 2015 Posted November 28, 2015 binge-drinking n' chain-smoking's never failed me Quote
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