Foreign Service Exam for Climbers

[tvashtarkatena]

“For more than a year, Karen Hughes (US Undersecretary of State) has been trying to sell George Bush’s America to the Middle East….it isn’t working.” - Atlantic Monthly, Nov 2006

 

We’ve got it all wrong. Instead of sending a Texan to sell America to the world, we need to send someone more inspiring, more sexy, more Today. We need to send climbers.

 

Climbers aren’t always as proficient at the delicate art of cocktail banter, the well placed compliment, or the respectful but firm ‘no thank you’ as they might be. And they don’t excel at foreign languages, although Klingon has occasionally been overheard later in the evening at Gustav’s. For this reason, the State Department has created a special Foreign Service Exam for Climbers. Here’s an excerpt. How prepared are You to sell your country?

 

1: You are a guest on President Hugo Chavez’s weekly variety show. He presents you with a signed copy of Noam Chomsky’s “Hegemony or Survival”. You:

 

a) Present him with a Harry Belafonte box set.

b) Pull a lawn gnome with a small ski in its mouth out from behind your back, point to it and say “get it?”

c) Reply in Spanish with “Quando leendo, mis huevas nececitan el amor que su boca puede provenir (As I read this, my balls require the love that only your mouth can provide).

 

2: You’ve been granted a rare meeting with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad to discuss ending Iran’s nuclear program. He offers you tea and sweet cakes. You:

 

a) Ask if the hottie standing next to him is available.

b) Pocket the sweet cakes for later when no one is looking…along with the condiments.

c) Reply in Farsi with “Tu kooneh mullah chapeh beshi (May you be shoved into the ass of a Mullah)”.

 

3: Your attending the Pan African Congress to discuss the AIDS pandemic. Ex president Nelson Mandela comes up to you and asks if you’d like something to eat. You:

 

a) Say “So what do they pay the help at these shindigs?”

b) Say “No thanks, my pockets are full.”

c) Reply in Afrikaans with “Jy lyk soos die nageboorte van ‘n vark wat deur die hoenderkak gesleep was (You look like the afterbirth of a pig that’s been dragged through chickenshit)”.

 

4: Your meeting with the Japanese Foreign Minister to discuss the North Korean problem. He politely whispers that Japan wishes to rearm to protect itself. You:

 

a) Present the foreign minister with an exquisitely detailed model of the Enola Gay.

b) Suddenly break out in your version of “My Way”.

c) Reply in Japanese with “Anata no ketsu wa kusa da oyobi ore wa shibakariki da, issunboshi (Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower, one inch boy)”.

 

5: President Musharraf of Pakistan has agreed to give you a tour of the newly stabilized Afghan border in his armored limo. Upon meeting, you:

 

a) Attempt a heel hook on the brim of his hat.

b) Ask if there’s a mini bar on board.

c) Reply in Pashto with “Teri maa ki kuss may gadha paadey (A donkey farts in your mother’s ass)”

 

If you took this test at all, you’d best limit your diplomatic efforts to obtaining a full refund for that Arcteryx jacket you accidentally lit on fire with your one hitter.