"An Alphabet for Mountaineers"

[fredrogers]

Stolen from Tom Patey, I think:

 

Alpenglow: Feeling of contentment and inner warmth induced by liberal doses of medicinal brandy.

 

Alpenstock: limited number of shares in mountain real estate

 

Alps: cries for assistance, most commonly heard in alpine areas of great Britain.

 

Artificial climbing: knack of appearing to climb by talking about it. this technique is best employed far from actual climbing areas, which tend to be hazardous. small taverns and pizza parlours with an impressionable clientele are excellent sites for artificial climbing.

 

Ascend: the part of a mountaineer opposite that on which the head is located.

 

Balling up: (1) transforming crampons into short skis. (2) fun and games at increasingly higher altitudes. both are possible at the same time, but difficult.

 

barometer: scientific instrument used to locate mountain taverns. see brake bar.

 

Bashie: climber who pendulums out of control.

 

bearing, true: opposite of bearing, false.

 

blood: substance commonly used to mark a climbing route.

 

Boot-ax belay: highly developed technique for ruining an ice ax, destroying a rope, and shortening a climbing day.

 

Bar-tacking: sideways veering when approaching or leaving a mountain tavern.

 

binding: discomfort caused by tight undergarments.

 

blaze: unexpected result of overpriming a white gas stove.

 

bong: sound made by a climber at the conclusion of a fall.

 

boulder: place close to the ground to practice falling. when climbers aren't climbing, they like to sharpen their skills by bouldering on large rocks located in places frequented by impressionable tourists. because bouldering is done without protection, the rule is never to climb higher than you'd like to fall. that is why so many climbers stand around discussing boulder problems instead of climbing them.

 

brake bar: tavern near a climbing area where everyone stops after a hard day climbing. see barometer.

 

bugaboos: inordinate fear of mountain insects.

 

buttress: outer garment specially designed for a woman with a large posterior.

 

cache: (1) pocket money. (2) frozen assets.

 

carabiner: oversized safety pin to hold up a diaper seat.

 

clean climber: climber who doesn't smoke or consume hard liquor, and who changes undergarments daily.

 

cold front: acute discomfort caused by an unzipped trouser fly.

 

communication: following are the terms most employed: command meaning (climber) "on belay" "do i tie in with an overhand knot or a clove hitch" (belayer) "belay on" "i'm not ready yet" (climber) "climbing" "i'm having second thoughts about this" (belayer) "climb on" "i'm still not ready" (climber) "slack" "what do you think i am, a eunuch?" (belayer) "slack" "did he say tension?" (climber) "don't give me no slack!" "falling" (belayer) "what?" "did he say more slack?" (climber) "tension" "i'm climbing up the goddamn rope" (either) "shit" "shit"

 

cornice: snow waiting for a climber to step on it before becoming an avalanche.

 

deadman: climber (male) who forgets to knot either end of a rappel rope.

 

diaper seat: article of climbing used by novices who are still learning self-control.

 

el capitan: expedition leader in a spanish speaking country.

 

essentials: everything you left at home.

 

expedition: highly organized way to spend a great deal of money in a relatively short period of time. the best are those in which your time and someone else's money are involved.

 

exposure: result of answering the call of nature during a climb. fall: good time of year for climbing.

 

falling barometer: barometer that has slipped out of a pocket when climbing. final

 

pitch: act of throwing down a rope without securing one of the ends.

 

flake: weird, erratic climber.

 

fluke, snow: unexpected happening on a glacier.

 

foot jam: offensive accumulation between the toes, caused by wearing the same socks for several days.

 

free climb: climb done without expensive equipment. there are cheap thrills, too.

 

friction: what often develops among members of an expedition.

 

front points: forwardmost extremities of a female climber on a chilly morning.

 

goose down: a way to get a slow climber to descend quickly. gorp: mealtime sound made by a hungry alpinist.

 

handhold: what two climbers do during long bivouacs on narrow ledges.

 

hardware: metal which when draped around the neck gives a musical accompaniment to a climb and provides ballast to regulate a climber's ascent.

 

heading: going to the latrine.

 

headlamp: lantern left shining at night to mark a latrine. hero loop: aerial maneuver performed by a valiant climber.

 

hip belay: belay by an unsquare climber.

 

hoarfrost: icy stare given by a coldhearted woman of ill repute.

hold: what you try to do when you wake at 4am after having overrehydrated yourself.

 

horn: malady brought on by being too long alone in the mountains.

 

ice screw: drastic cure for a severe case of horn.

 

igloo: (british) latrine for igs. J

 

amming,nut: very painful way to climb.

 

not: configuration often discovered in the middle of a rappel rope during a rappel.

 

known point: (navigation) figment of the imagination.

 

landmark: visual pattern similar to a water mark, only dry.

 

layback: what a climber looks forward to at the end of a day.

 

line of weakness: long involved explanation for not attempting a route.

 

lunge: skillful or desperate move, depending on who is doing it and why.

 

mashies: reconstituted freeze dried potatoes.

 

matterhorn: trumpetlike musical instrument favored by swiss mountaineers.

 

mohair: hair of a mo. see scree.

 

mole foam: frothy exudation that appears on the lip of a furious mole.

 

moraine: forecast for an extended period of wet weather. myth: accounts of adventure related by a mountaineer.

 

navigation: science of becoming temporarily disoriented. because instruments don't lie, and because art is truth, mountaineers are never lost.

 

off width crack: remark made in a smartass manner.

 

organized: state of complete chaos.

 

orienting: preparing for a trip to asia.

 

picket, snow: rank and file member of union internationale des associations d'alpinisme publicly protesting grievances in the dead of winter.

 

piton: antique metal work.

 

rainfly: pesky insect that only appears during wet weather.

 

rock band: enthusiastic group of musical noisemakers.

 

rockies: very small stones.

 

runner: very fast climber.

 

rurp: sound made by a climber after downing a hasty lunch.

 

scree: sound made by a mo when its hair is being removed. see mohair.

 

shock: large fish that can bite your leg off. chiefly of concern to sea cliff climbers.

shawangunks: gunks that belong to shawans.

 

ski mountaineering: simplified way to move fast, fall a short distance, and remain uninjured. usually.

 

sling: versatile strap dating to biblical times. when david the israelite descended into the vale of elah, after a hard day of climbing, he used a sling to slay the philistine goliath.

 

smear: long, vertical mark left on rock surface by a climber whose friction move has failed.

 

smokies: little cigars, cigarettes, etc.

 

snow bridge: card game played on a glacier. as in other alpine endeavors, tricks are common, and there is always a dummy.

 

stance: pose struck by a climber when an appreciative audience is watching.

 

sun balls: painful affliction common to male alpinists who climb nude.

 

terminal moraine: the last glacier you'll ever climb. unzip: simple yet spectacular way to remove protection.

 

vertical feet: what a mountaineer has on the ends of his legs when lying flat on his back.

 

waist band: group of paunchy musicians.

 

water knot: rope configuration used by sea cliff climbers who tend to fall a lot.

 

watershed: small, rustic shed used to store water.

 

walking: uncommon means of mountain locomotion. see fall, glissade, etc.

 

webbing: rope that has been stepped on so many times it is flat.

 

wilderness: archaic word used to refer to the space that once existed between urban areas and which is now used as a proving ground for 4-wheel drive vehicles.

 

wilderness act: short theatrical performance done in the backcountry.

 

wilderness travel: art of avoiding snowmobiles, four wheel drives and oil wells.

 

wind pants: short, labored breathing.

 

yeti: (also called abominable snowman, bigfoot, sasquatch): large upright creature that roams the high country. because no anthropologist has ever seen a yeti, its reality is discredited by science. on the other hand, there is no evidence of a scientist ever having been seen by a yeti, which makes the former's existence equally doubtful.

 

zip: placing protection while climbing. compare with unzip.

 

zizz: sound made by a rope running without restraint through a braking device during a free rappel. the sound changes markedly when joined by a piece of clothing or hair (see scree).

[Paul_detrick]

not bad