Mattress People

[fenderfour]

I had my first visit to Squamish earlier this year. While there, we climbed Dierdre and came down broadway and through the boulders leading back to the road. Before we reached the boulders, my partner said "Shhh! We are entering the land of the mattress people." It sounded rather National Geographic, so here it is:

 

The Matress People, Observations

 

The Mattress People are a tribe dedicated to worshipping not mountains, as so many that came before have, but the castoffs from mountains, the boulders. The Greeks believed that the mountains were the domain of the gods, as did some tribes of Native Americans. This practice of deifying boulders originated with the worship of mountains as preparation to ascend to greater heights. Fairly recently, the Mattress People have broken away from the worshippers of the mountains en masse, recruiting new acolytes directly into their number.

 

One might ask why they are called the Mattress People, and not the Rock People, or the Boulder People. They are usually seen carrying large rectangular foam mattresses of varying sizes. It appears as if these mattresses have a myriad of uses. Mattress People have been seen sleeping, falling, and even fornicating on these mattresses. Along with a small wire brush and a fabric bag containing white powder, the mattresses have become a symbol of this tribe.

 

Their form of worship is both simple in design yet very difficult in form. The Mattress People will position themselves on and around the rocks, attempting to recite a sequence of moves, at times almost a dance, along the features of the boulders. The series of moves is generally established by a previous visitor to the same stone. While one member of the tribe attempts to repeat the sequence of moves, the others will stand nearby, arms outstretched, uttering phrases in the tribal dialect of modern English. Some of the phrases include:

"Dude, Send it!"

"That's a sick crimper"

"mutanthandstregth4lyfe"

 

Before starting a series of movements, the performer of the rock dance will cover their hands with a white powder in order to mark their progress. The marks left behind are a very primitive form of cave painting. While no recognizable forms have been discovered in these cave paintings, experts believe it is only a matter of time before the Mattress People are able to create simple line drawings of things in their environment.

 

It is also believed that the rock dance may be an exercise in humility or a demonstration of salvation though pain. While some members of the tribe perform the dances barefoot, most don a pair of specialized slippers. These slippers appear to be smaller than the feet of the wearer as they are difficult to put on and they are usually removed shortly after the dance. This would cause a great deal of pain during the movements along the rock, which is why it is believed to be a right of passage through pain, much like the monk's hairshirts form the middle ages and the modern day flagellants throughout South America.

 

In addition to the slippers, many performers will sustain injuries from the abrasive nature of the rock. Fingernails can become dislodged, patches of skin abraded and fingertips become raw. One observer belived this to be a badge of honor among the tribe after witnessing praise among members for a "nice gobie", further confirming the hypothesis that the dances are a way to find a higher meaning through suffering.

 

In the future it would be beneficial to compare the behavior of the Matress People to some of the indigenous tribes of New Guinea or Irian Jaya. I believe that striking parallels will be uncovered.

[Distel32]

yyyeeeaaaaahhhhh....did you get the memo!?

[fenderfour]

I have the TPS cover sheet right here...

[cracked]

[willstrickland]

Lumberg Says