Holiday Spirit Yo!

[willstrickland]

What if Santa answered all those letters honestly? Here's a little sample of what we might see:

"Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer." Yer Frend, BiLLy" ----------- Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger because HE can spell! -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!" Love, Sarah ----------- Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Turn off the 'Nicolodeon' and get a friggin' clue. I'm getting you a rifle and some armor-piercing ammo. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do." Love, Teddy ----------- Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who constantly rides his ass? It's time to give up that dream, little boy. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba." Love, Francis ----------- Dear Francis, Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? My bet is that you're a flagrant homosexual. I'll be dropping off some hoisery for you, 'twinkle toes'. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door." Love, Susan ----------- Dear Susan, The lactose in milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You wanna do me a favor? Leave me

a bottle of Glenlivet 12-year old Scotch and some peanuts. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?" Your friend, Thomas ----------- Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time as an executive producer of low-budget porn. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the tight, little asses of cocktail waitresses while losing my money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. I hope this doesn't tarnish the image you once had of me. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?" Love, Jessica ----------- Dear Jessica, Are you an idiot?! Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dear Santa, I really, really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?" Timmy ----------- Timmy, That whiney, begging shit may work on your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater, socks, and briefs again. -Santa ___________________________________________________ "Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?" Love, Marky ----------- Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. -Sweet Dreams, Santa

[fredrogers]

Will- you made my day. Thanks.

[the_shadow]

"Dear Santa, I guess what I really want for Christmas is for the other guys on CascadeClimbers to like me. I always got picked on a lot in school and now that I'm a grown-up and have climbed Mt. Rainier (the tallest mountain in Washington BTW) I wish I could have friends and be popular.

Please, PleaseDan Larson----------------

Dear Dan,My guess is you deserve everything your peers are dishing you. We do people think they can change anyway? Why don't you stop asking for miracles and accept the truth. You suck.Santa