OFFICE POLICY FOR 2008

[kevbone]

DRESS

 

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

 

SICK

 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

 

PERSONAL

 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS!

 

BEREAVEMENT

 

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have

non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where

employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the

late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour

and subsequently leave one hour early.

 

 

BATHROOM

 

Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is now a strict

three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an

alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will

open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture

will be posted on the company bulletin under the 'chronic offenders'

category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the

company's mental health policy.

 

 

LUNCH

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that

they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes

for lunch, because that's all the time need to drink a slim fast.

 

 

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive

employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,

complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be

directed elsewhere.