Always........

[kevbone]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over

20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak

Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding

or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the

beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your

revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to

realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you

how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

 

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever

suffered from the ¡curse¢? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the

month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces

violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body

will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an

inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?

 

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no

doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your

customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about

the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood

swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's

a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer

fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles in to a George

Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was

written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

 

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that

America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which

brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of

cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my

uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,

were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

 

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of

your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling,

laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything

mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,

unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be

anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and

Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the

local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your

life in a blaze of glory.

 

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just

have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense

to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or

'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

 

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,

effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I

have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will

certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand

of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....

 

Best,

Wendi Aarons