TO ALL EMPLOYEES

[kevbone]

Just received this from my employers, lame!

 

TO ALL EMPLOYEES:

 

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments, we

are

 

forced to cut back on personnel.

 

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,

 

thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

 

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the

 

Current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect

 

immediately.

 

This program will be known as SLAP . (Sever Late-Age Personnel).

 

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs

 

outside the company.

 

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before

 

actual retirement takes place.

 

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities

 

of Retired Early Workers).

 

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with

 

upper management.

 

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following

 

Termination).

 

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,

 

SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems

 

appropriate.

 

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to

 

get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or

 

CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

 

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has

 

received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the

 

company again.

 

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board

 

that the company will continue its policy of training employees through

 

our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

 

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive and we have

 

given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any

 

employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your

 

immediate supervisor.

 

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the

 

SHIT you can stand.

 

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

 

The Management