Some more funny post-election shit

[stinkyclimber]

Well, I thought they were funny anyway. There are two pieces below, each quite different. The two of them together is a little long, but worth the read. The second piece is a little more "British" in its humour. Hopefully they haven't already been posted - I did check.

 

November 03, 2004 Concession Speech

[Former candidate Adam Felber, flanked by his family and supporters,

steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight.

Cheers and applause are heard.]

My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken

with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [boos,

groans, rending of garments] I concede that I overestimated the

intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with

the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I

never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in

the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short

school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding

with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

 

I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff,

and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's

strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing

states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people,

a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of

folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue,

those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage

a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd

have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove

did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [boos.] Now, now. Credit where

it's due.

 

I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of

you opposing the President, with your friends and

classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future

being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow

managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging

homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same

anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.

[Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.

 

There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing,

to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last

night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los

Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously

about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was

this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in

this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states

receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining

about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been

attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung

ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the

entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the

red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state

civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror,

while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling

"Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!" More than 40% of you Bush voters still

believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm

impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die

in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where

al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are

at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can.

 

As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that

luxury. I concede that. Healing? We, the people at risk from

terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in

glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that

heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We

spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely

because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't

need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to

unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not

when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic,

unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and

play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have.

Because we're "morally inferior,"

 

I suppose, we are supposed to

respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is

that for 20 years, we've done just that. It's not a "ha-ha" funny

joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.

 

Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding the

election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in

2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank

you. And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time,

there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and

joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated

towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the

"media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not

pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the

people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and

the world. They don't. So that's why I'm asking for your vote in

2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels,

you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist,

chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me,

because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug,

sorry asses.

 

Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if he does

in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

 

[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping.

PULL BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of cameras,

hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty field beyond.]

 

 

-----

 

Letter To America

 

In the light of your failure to elect a human as President of the USA

and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation

of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,

commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not

fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for

the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world

outside your borders) will appoint a

minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress

and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated

next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1.! You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'

will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping

the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you

will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You

will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not

'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You

will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope

with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary

to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven

words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is

an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up

"interspersed! ". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer

show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you

shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary

then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to

learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist

in calling it Devonshire, all American Stat! es will become "shires"

e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the

good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"

will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience

who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The

Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you

to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your

borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You

will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead ! play proper

football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It

is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed

to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar

body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US

rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not

reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which

is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that

there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called

"rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no

longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than

a vegetable peeler. Bec! ause we don't believe you are sensible enough

to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we

mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand

the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian

though 97.85%

of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Euro! pe) are

not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on

calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick

cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is

beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to

be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to

be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter

will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known

as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Donkey

Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser

company whose product will ! be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Donkey

Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000

years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you

will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with

the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former

USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly

$6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns or

lawyers. The fact that you need so many lawyers shows that you're not

adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.

If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone then

you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you s! hortly

to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank

you for your co-operation.