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[TR] Stuart N Ridge-- Falstaff's version - Mt Stuart North Ridge Direct 7/29/2014


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Trip: Stuart N Ridge-- Falstaff's version - Mt Stuart North Ridge Direct


Date: 7/29/2014


Trip Report:

I am God, and, despite being God and therefore omniscient and omnipresent, I sometimes choose to climb in a mortal body, assuming the same risks the lesser do, as a gift to The Human Race.


I originally planned to nude freesolo-- in my Ryan Gosling incarnation-- the North Ridge of Stuart but decided that Alex Honnold, who has been experiencing considerable success at the freesoloing game, would be shown up by my exploits. Indeed, as Henrik and I texted back and forth pre-trip, I thought back to that summer of 2006 in Yosemite, where Honnold asked me "what should I freesolo?" and I responded with "everything, son, everything" and for once a mere mortal obeyed God.


As Henrik and I drove through the northwestern U.S., with its McDonalds filled with people as fatty as the products there served, I hoped my partner would be able to keep up with my lean musculature, near-perfect route-finding skills (I had turned off the "omniscient" function on my Godly iBrain but still had the navigational chops of a medieval Maori sea-traveler), immense speed etc etc.


We arrived at the trailhead at 1:44 PM and and at 1:45 were approaching. The dogs and women I passed shirtless on the trail drooled over me and the men cast nasty glances my way as their marriages crumbled as women fantasised about a life more perfect.


We chose to arrive at the base of the North Ridge in 5 hours rather than the book's recommended 6 and there I prepared a 12-course meal using only one burner, 3 pots and one of those micro-thingies of gas. So delicious were the smells of my cooking that the couple who had foolishly decided to start the north Ridge and bivvie on it-- mortals always underestimate the benefits of sleep-- began fighting. Not only was my cooking better than the granola bars and Safeway peperoni that the poor ridge-bivviers were stuck with, but shirtless me cooking distracted the female of the party.


The next morning after making a seven course breakfast in only twenty minutes-- along with triple macciatos-- Henrik and I saddled up and began our ascent. I deigned to lead the first two pitches and then Henrik did an amazing job-- for a human-- on the third, 5.9, pitch.


After this our need for speed overwhelmed us and we moved to the simulclimbing system which I had invented before letting Dean Potter and his ilk use it int he '90s in Yosemite. We sprinted up the route, passing a wussy-assed group of four who had the entire contents of the climbing section of R.E.I. on their racks, and arrived at the Gendarme.


At the Gendarme were a party of three and another of two-- hauling packs up the dreaded approach to the dreaded 5.9 wider pitch-- and we didn't want to ruin people's self-esteem by climbing over them faster, more smoothly, with less gear, with better form, while wearing our packs, smoking, chatting, checking our Facebook and doing other awesome things. So we graciously took the bypass and arrived on the summit a mere 6 hours after beginning the ridge.


We would have climbed faster but it is always necessary to allow other to believe they have what are now referred to as Mad Skillz Yo so we kept the speed down but nevertheless enjoyed a human-free summit with magnificent views of my Creation, nevertheless passing a grand total of 11 people on the route.


The descent through the Cascadian was what traveling through anything God made would be: blissful. Indeed, I wondered briefly why one would climb the north Ridge when so amazing a walk as the Cascadian, with its perfectly-formed scree and bread-baking temperatures, not to mention opportunities for establishing new trails or scouting out myriad old ones, was available.


I brewed perfect espresso with exactly the right amount of crema at the creek and we strolled like English gentlemen having just shot braces of partridge over Long's Pass and back to my Maserati, where ice-cold, locally-sourced, organic, free-range, GHG-neutral craft beer awaited.

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It is a really cool route. I am psyched that we were able to do it quickly and that we had great weather (read: we didn't need to bring a ton of stuff). The grigri-and-tiblocks system is awesome for the easier stuff-- fast, and safer than standard simuling. next proj would be to try and do it in one day...

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Dear God,


Wasn't there an even higher power that could have advised you that the top two pitches (Gendarme and off width above) are the best on the route? Or that glacial crossing and mandatory snow/scree is part of the Cascade experience? And multiple days. God has ordained it.


And I recently met a dude who claims he is Jesus reincarnated. One of you is full of it. My bet is both.

Edited by matt_warfield
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does seem a trifle odd though that the falstaff version should still rain down the hate on the stoutness of amerikkkans though, for as the good man said:


"If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked. If to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned. If to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord, banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins, but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff,

Banish not him from thy Harry’s company.

Banish plump Jack, and banish all the world."



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