a story

[fern]

the world tumbles between yellow and blue. I can't control much and with my feet higher than my head to try to swim would only take me deeper into the blue. I can't think of much but I know that my only hope is that this ride ends in the yellow world, the yellow sunlight not far away. I spit out a mouthful of snow. I focus closeup on my black glove directly in front of my face. Around me it slows, my feet get pushed a little higher and now I'm not moving anymore and now the world is blue. A few disjointed thoughts ... my mother, my friends, my stupidity. My glove is right there, practically touching my mouth, I push my hand away and think maybe I shouldn't bother since it might just be better just to suffocate sooner rather than later...

 

 

Looking through slides at home one picture catches me. I only vaguely remember taking it. The apex of my tent taken from lying in my sleeping bag. The yellow fabric looks dark from the snow and slightly foggy from the steam coming off our ramen dinner. A moment of welling frustration and storm-fed boredom. I know every mark and thread of that roof too well.

 

 

I push my hand away and the snow gives a little bit of yellow light. I push harder and my hand breaks clear.

 

 

"Can you breathe?" anxious

 

 

...I can breathe

 

 

"Can you breathe?" checking

 

 

...I can barely breathe, not enough to answer, I move my hand for a sign

 

 

"god Can you breathe?" relief

 

 

"my...back...can't...breath...much"

 

 

"OK just a minute" he moves some snow, accidentally burying my face again ... I find the energy to push it away, the smothering is too much, I clear my face.

 

 

"I'm so exhausted" he slumps over me, can't catch his own breathe

 

 

"please...James...my...back" near tears, dizzy, no room to expand my chest

 

 

He digs, it seems to take so long. Bit by bit parts of me are freed, my back is clear and I drink in deep breaths of the thin air.

 

 

"I'm going to roll you over hang on" he grabs my harness and pulls. I'm out and collapse sobbing on his shoulder.

 

 

"can we go down now James?"

 

 

"Yes"