Bob_Clarke Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 HOW TO TAKE A POOP AT WORK We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whiskedaway to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. As with all facts this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. It is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobBob Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 The worst is the Tar Baby. That's the one that requires a shower after you get home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg_W Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 Tip: take a lot of "Walk of Shame" Poops at work. Then, when your company moves your boss will give you the office with the private shitter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Off_White Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by RobBob: The worst is the Tar Baby. That's the one that requires a shower after you get home. Noooo, I don't wanna hear the story of how Brer Rabbit got both hands and both feet stuck in the Tar Baby! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg_W Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Off White: quote:Originally posted by RobBob: The worst is the Tar Baby. That's the one that requires a shower after you get home. Noooo, I don't wanna hear the story of how Brer Rabbit got both hands and both feet stuck in the Tar Baby! We don't need a bestiality forum!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobBob Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 You two take a perfectly good poop thread and turn it into something really nasty... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Off_White Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 Isn't that the rule here, every thread must go down the toilet? If you start with poop, the question is how can you continue down? It just seems that Greg and I are up to the challenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lambone Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 nevermind gimpy, keep the skull picture! [ 10-11-2002, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: Lambone ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScottP Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Lambone: nevermind gimpy, keep the skull picture! Hey, that's a cool skull pic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cpt.Caveman Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AA Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 OMG Ropegun that was HILARIOUS!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelawgoddess Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 ugh!!! ahh ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by thelawgoddess: ugh!!! ahh ... Oh please, you poop too, say it isn't so. You've ruined my fantasy of you as the perfect woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg_W Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by thelawgoddess: ugh!!! ahh ... Are you disgusted or are you giving us a play-by-play? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelawgoddess Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Greg W: Are you disgusted or are you giving us a play-by-play? ehem. cough-cough. i have no idea what you're talking about ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-rock Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 I've been trying so hard to keep myself from laughing my ass off in front of my coworkers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klar404 Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 just gotta add to this charming thread... Mudbaskit : when you enter a john and the toliet is already full. Double-Mudbaskit: There are people that will fill twice. bleeh.... [ 10-11-2002, 04:38 PM: Message edited by: klar404 ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 Jesus Christ, this thread is the SHITS! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thelawgoddess Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by E-rock: I've been trying so hard to keep myself from laughing my ass off in front of my coworkers. nothing wrong with that; just don't shit your pants! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-rock Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 My building on campus is one of Seattle's famous cruising spots. Apparently, there are mentions of it on the internet and such. So they started removing the doors on some of the stalls to curtail any sort of late-night activities (as well as scrub the phone numbers off the walls, dammit ). Gives a whole new meaning to "Out of the closet pooper". Sometimes an odd person will use a doorless stall, even when there is an empty stall with a door right next to them. Now THAT take guts... or total stupidity. There is also evidence of long-past "golden showers" that the janitors refuse to remove. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sexual_chocolate Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 quote: Originally posted by klar404: just gotta add this to this charming thread... Mudbaskit : when you enter a john and the toliet is already full. Double-Mudbaskit: There are people that will fill twice. bleeh.... Hey, that's nothing. I used to live in a co-op in the U district. We were really into water conservation, you know, "if it's yellow, let it mellow". Ours was "drop three in, make it spin!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 Some of you folks are a sorry ass lot. I'm thankful I evolved normally and with some scruples. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-rock Posted October 11, 2002 Share Posted October 11, 2002 I love poo stories, they're my favorite. One time on a ski tour my buddy took a dump, but he didnt dig his whole deep enough. He pushed and pushed but he was bottomed out. Eventually the log raked across his ass-cheek as the only way it could go was sideways, not down. Page poop... I mean top. [ 10-11-2002, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: E-rock ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E-rock Posted October 12, 2002 Share Posted October 12, 2002 I'm doing data entry at school for work currently. We're entering old geotechnical data. The next thing I typed after my last post was. 5" brown topsoil [ 10-11-2002, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: E-rock ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sexual_chocolate Posted October 12, 2002 Share Posted October 12, 2002 There's a fellow I know who has a "poop pictorial" of fellow climbers. One series shows his partner in the port-a-ledge before, during, and after, complete with full poop bag in hand! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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