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september jokes

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A guy asks a young blonde he’s just slept with, “Am I the first guy you ever made love to?”

The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, “You might be. Your face looks familiar.”

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A young man stumbles out of a bar one night, and comes upon an old man, sitting on the curb and looking forlorn. The young man asks the old fellow what is wrong, and the man says "sit down, lad, and I'll tell ye. Do you see that church over there?" The young man nods, and the old man continues, "I built that church with my own two hands, placed every brick. But do they call me a church builder? No, they do not." The young man ponders this, and the old man goes on. "Do you see that bridge over yonder? I built that bridge with mah own two hands. Set every stone in it. But do they call me a bridge builder? No, lad, they do not. And this road here. I laid every stone in this road, with my own two hands, but they do not call me a road builder." The young man says "yes, yes, old man, I see, but what do you care what they call you?" The old man goes on; "young man, I built all these things, spent years of my life doing so, did it all with my own two hands, and they don't call me a church builder, or a bridge builder, or a road builder. But I fuck one goat ..."

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Sorry man, I suck. I got no jokes oh wait, here's one:


So this horse goes into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender comes up to him and asks: "So why the long face?"

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Advice for young men about my age (mid 40s)


Never pass up a urinal.


Never ignore an erection.


Never trust a fart.



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A young lad is thinking about becoming sexually active and walks into a pharmacy to get the scoop on condoms. The pharmacist begins with the packaging, explaining that they come singly or bundled in packs. Singles are great for getting started, maybe for high schoolers having a chance encounter now and then. Then they go off to college and get more active and they go for the 3-packs. Later in college or as young adults things can get really exciting and they may have a need for a 6-pack just to get them through a big weekend or week. But the biggest packs, the pharmacist explains, are for the married guys, who usually get the 12-packs. You know, they'll need one for January, one for February, one for March.....

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British Constitution


Thanks, but I don't want sex.

No, I don't want another drink.

No kebab for me thank you.

Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.

Good evening officer

I'm not interested in fighting you.

No one wants to hear me sing.

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The Horse and the Chicken


Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy.


One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now.


The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered, "You just saved my life. Thank you!" The chicken just said "Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!" They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.


A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to his neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped. The horse took a quick look around. No rope in sight. And the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?


The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. "Here, my friend, grab my thingy and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.


The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life, my friend!!" The horse just smiled.


And what is the moral of this story????

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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Q- What happens when you poor beer in a drum machine?

A- It starts singing.


Q- What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

A- "Hey guys, I wrote a few songs."

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Famous Sayings


Constipated People Don't Give A crap.


If You Drink, Don't Park. Accidents Cause People.


If At First You Don't Succeed,

Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling!


Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.


It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.


If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My butt.


I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha


This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me


So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time


Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult


If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?


Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway


Illiterate? Write For Help


Honk If Anything Falls Off


Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes


He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit


I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person


You! Out Of The Gene Pool!


If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

[seen upside down on a jeep]


Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph...

Are Also Timed for 70 mph.


Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge


Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel


Boldly Going Nowhere


Cat: The Other White Meat


Caution - Driver Legally Blonde


Heart Attacks ...

God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.


How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down...

Before He Admits He is lost?


Money Isn't Everything, But Poverty Sucks!


Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!


All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.


I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?


[big Drink][big Drink]

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