Bob_Clarke Posted April 2, 2002 Share Posted April 2, 2002 A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out." "That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?" "I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avypoodle Posted April 2, 2002 Share Posted April 2, 2002 A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted April 3, 2002 Share Posted April 3, 2002 Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master... Moral of the story: Pay your bills Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted April 3, 2002 Share Posted April 3, 2002 good one!Don'cha just love a good parable? Aesop must be doing 720s... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted April 3, 2002 Share Posted April 3, 2002 A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob_Clarke Posted April 3, 2002 Author Share Posted April 3, 2002 Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks.” The second said, “You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” The third proclaimed, “Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!” The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, “Listen girls, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialed Posted April 3, 2002 Share Posted April 3, 2002 I got a joke for ya: The Mountaineers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avypoodle Posted April 5, 2002 Share Posted April 5, 2002 A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game... A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avypoodle Posted April 5, 2002 Share Posted April 5, 2002 A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks. The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!'' ''How!?!?!?'' she asks. ''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.'' ''Well how long does it take?'' she asks. ''They should expand over the years,'' he answers. ''How did you know that?'' she wonders. ''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?''' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moron Posted April 5, 2002 Share Posted April 5, 2002 Did you hear about the Irishman who walked out of the bar? It could happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joekania Posted April 7, 2002 Share Posted April 7, 2002 A Scotsman, full of patriotic pride and single-malt whiskey, settles himself against a tree in a park and has himself a nap. Three young tourist girls happen along, and, curious about the endowment of the average Scot, have themselves a peek under his kilt. Satisfied with what they see, one of the girls pulls a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it in a lovely bow around his member. By and by, nature calls and awakens the Scot, and he turns to the tree and lifts his kilt. Upon finding the ribbon, he looks down lovingly and says, "Laddy, I dunno where ya been, and I dunno what ya been doin', but I'm proud that ya took the first prize!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysticNacho Posted April 8, 2002 Share Posted April 8, 2002 That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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