b-rock Posted April 16, 2002 Share Posted April 16, 2002 quote: Originally posted by Honkeydong: What do you tell your wife when she has a black eye... Dude, now that is fucking tasteless... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sayjay Posted April 16, 2002 Share Posted April 16, 2002 yeah, what erik & b-rock said. not funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honkeydong Posted April 16, 2002 Share Posted April 16, 2002 Just promise me you won't tell my wife I posted it. Please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honkeydong Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 Or you can gargle my sac. This is spray right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erik Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 OR I CAN MODERATE YOUR ASS....... NO MORE VIOLENCE ANGAINST ANYONE...... THATS NOT SPRAY!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al_Pine Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 quote: Originally posted by jhc: You've got all your gear out in the driveway and you're loading up your truck for a much needed three-day climbing trip. Suddenly your wife comes out of the house just screaming her head off at you. What did you do wrong? You made the chain attaching her to the stove too long... page 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honkeydong Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 Alright, easy there big fella. I ain't lookin' fer trouble. Just ease them pistols back into the holster. After all, I'm unarmed in this altercation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 Chill out with this story about Chili: Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from Boston: Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judge's table (asking directions to the beer wagon) when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy #####, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting #####-faced from all the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3 - he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegetablebelay Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 quote: Originally posted by freeclimb9: Chill out with this story about Chili: Funny, yet somehow familiar.... http://www.cascadeclimbers.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=23&t=000403&p= Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 stupid jokes suck worse......... no more negativity towards women with the jokes.... [ 04-17-2002, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: erik ] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted April 17, 2002 Author Share Posted April 17, 2002 quote: Originally posted by freeclimb9: Damn. Redundancy sucks. So howz about: Why are women so stupid? Cause they got no dick to put brains in. I like dat one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rope_on_a_dope Posted April 17, 2002 Share Posted April 17, 2002 Originally posted by MysticNacho: [QB]WHY WALLS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN courtesy of the famous Wally Barker Walls, women, mountains and men . . . WHY MOUNTAINS ARE BETTER THAN MEN courtesy of the infamous Bally Walker 1. They're still there in the AM 2. They won't get you pregnant 3. Mts. have ridges 4. Even the little ones are pretty friggin' big 5. Mts. spit fire 6. Mt. morning air is always minty fresh 7. Mts. have staying power 8. Mts. still look good in the am 9. You can be on top whenever you want 10. Mts. grow fir, men grow fur 11. Mts. perform well when wet AND dry 12. Your friends don't care if you climb the same mt. 13. The mt. still stands after summiting 14. You can double team a mt. and talk about it at the family reunion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted April 19, 2002 Author Share Posted April 19, 2002 A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do". "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sobo Posted April 20, 2002 Share Posted April 20, 2002 Ok, i'm either really fuckin' drunk after work, or that was really funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gimpy Posted April 20, 2002 Share Posted April 20, 2002 And the number one reason why climbing is better than sex.... Unlike sex, climbing Solo is actually concidered bold and the epitomy of a chalenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
schlangeschmecker Posted April 20, 2002 Share Posted April 20, 2002 "You guarantee satisfaction? That's what your sign says anyway," asked the customer. The clerk promised that if their product didn't satisfy, she could return it. "In that case, I'll try that green one, behind you there on the shelf." The very next day she returned with a dissatisfied look on her face, and before she could even speak, the clerk promised that if the green one hadn't done the trick, then the red one was certain to please. She observed its noticeably larger girth, then agreed to the exchange and departed. She returned the following day, but the clerk informed her that if the red one hadn't met her expectations, he didn't have any further suggestions. "What about that plaid one, by the sink?" The clerk hesitated but eventually sold the item. The lady never returned. At the end of the week, the manager dropped by to ask how sales had gone. The clerk informed him that he hadn't sold any vibrators (except for two which were promptly returned), but that he had managed to sell his thermos. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pope Posted April 27, 2002 Share Posted April 27, 2002 Q. What do you call a sore on a policeman's foot? A. Corn on the cop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted April 27, 2002 Share Posted April 27, 2002 In the year 2020 will everyone have good vision? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pope Posted April 27, 2002 Share Posted April 27, 2002 Hear about the body recovered last night? It was found in the tub, floating in milk and strawberries. Obviously the work of a cereal killer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted April 29, 2002 Share Posted April 29, 2002 My girlfriend thinks I should be more understanding. I don’t know why. My last girlfriend couldn’t take criticism. At least that’s what she wrote in her suicide note. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Son_of_Caveman Posted May 2, 2002 Share Posted May 2, 2002 A Sweet Ass Story It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snafflehound Posted May 2, 2002 Share Posted May 2, 2002 MOST ASSHOLES KNOW WHO THEY ARE This is true, I read it, honest. Seattle writer Andy Brodie wrote this-in the Seattle Weekly I think; 'About fifty people were crossing the street at 1st and Pike one morning and someone shouted out to a friend "hey asshole" and I swear everybody turned around!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted May 2, 2002 Share Posted May 2, 2002 An Englishman and a Scot are out walking in the countryside and come across a sheep that is stuck halfway through a fence with its forelegs on one side and hind legs on the other. Oh my! says the Englishman. Scot looks around. No one else around. Up goes his kilt, around to the back he goes and fornicates the sheep good. Arrr that was good, says the Scot. Yourr turn mate. Oh I couldnt possibly says the Englishman. Oh go on mate says the Scot. Its just the two of us out here and I wont tell. Well, all right says the Englishman. He takes off his pants, gets down on his hands and knees and puts his head and arms through the fence.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Son_of_Caveman Posted May 2, 2002 Share Posted May 2, 2002 A Scots tale One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. ''Right, you Jimmy,'' he shouts, ''Ah want you to masturbate!'' ''But......'' stammers the driver. ''Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!'' So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long. ''Right!'' snarls the Highlander ''Du it agin, now!'' So the driver does it again. ''Right laddie, du it agin!'' demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. ''Du it again!'' says the Highlander. ''I can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!'' whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, ''All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted May 2, 2002 Share Posted May 2, 2002 Why did the gaper call his dog Herpes? Cause he wouldn't heel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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