Beck Posted August 22, 2001 Share Posted August 22, 2001 Teddy Ruxpin- I never thought in all my years that I would be lucky enough to get to climb with a climber of such superstar status. He had a great list of first ascents and had a way of self aggrandizment that really helped assure his rise to climbing superstar. I'd seen Teddy out at the crags and the Rock at the University of Washington for a couple of years before I ever asked him to climb "She's GGGonna Blow" in the North Cascades. He had a reputation to rival the Burgess brothers, and he had a rap as a horrible belayer. Stories about him being a real slack rope handler if the Bettys on the next route over were flashing great cleave or doing wide stems bounced back and forth in the climbing community. Nonetheless, he's got some irristable charm, even though he's not too bright and tends to repeat himself a lot. I just chalked it up to all the time he's spent up in the death zone and not that he doesn't have much to say. It wasn't till I catch him drooling over me one day when i was climbing in drag at the rock that I knew I had a chance with the esteemed ursine alpinist like Teddy Ruxpin. So, I hatch a plan. I'll come on to him at the top of "She's Gonna Blow", a classic climb on Mount Analogue. It's a rugged spire out by the Gamma Creek approach to Glacier Peak. You can see it just below the Chocolate Glacier if you're up on Glacier's Frostbite Ridge. 1600 feet of steep gully,hopefully snow filled, then onto the face for seven pitches of mixed alpine and a treacherous traverse to put climbers in the massed gendarmes of the summit blocks. 80 feet of laybacks and body jams provide a variety of finishes to reach the top of a very satisfying "forgotten" cascade classic. (to be continued...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cpt.Caveman Posted August 22, 2001 Share Posted August 22, 2001 Does Teddy Ruxpin use Black Diamond Gear? http://www.toptown.com/dorms/creedstonegate/rux/ruxpin.htm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pen Posted August 22, 2001 Share Posted August 22, 2001 Being the stud he truly is, why would Teddy want to take up with a Gumby like Beck? There's plenty of hotties around without him having to resort to butt-piracy. What gives Teddy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backcountry Posted August 23, 2001 Share Posted August 23, 2001 Tickle-me-Elmo and Team Gander Mountain are headed to Mount Baker this weekend. I may need some help getting the TR photos up though. SeanHalling will be TGM leader again, with me rucking in Elmo himself... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 23, 2001 Author Share Posted August 23, 2001 ...It wasn't untill I saw Teddy R. slick back his fur with coconut oil at the base of the snow gully on She's Gonna Blow that I knew I would be his climbing bitch forever. "It's for the performance" he said, but it made him look slicker than Rudolph Bearlintino and smell sweeter than a wahine at a Molokai luau. Good thing climbing harnesses make you look like you're sporting a pup tent most of the time anyway! Teddy's up to lead the first pitch. We'll simulclimb the gully in a fast run up it, giving us more time on the rock. Teddy's just standing there, talking to himself, going "Hi! I'm Teddy Ruxpin" and saying it over and over. He's doing this and swinging his paws around , but I chalk it up to some weird preclimb ritual psyche he goes through. Little did I know, it signalled a weakness in Teddy R.'s thick skin that foretold the disaster that was unfolding before us on the Climb of She's Gonna Blow... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted August 23, 2001 Share Posted August 23, 2001 Beck, 1) Who is "She" (Rachel Babkirk??) and 2)what is she gonna blow? I thought this was gonna be a hot bear-man rendezvous? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 24, 2001 Author Share Posted August 24, 2001 See first post, She's Gonna Blow is a classic "forgotten " climb in the North Cascades. !3,369 ft of rock located out off the Gamma Peak approach to Glacier Peak, you can see it across from the Chocolate Glacier if you're up on Glacier's Frostbite Ridge. It truly is a Forgotten classic, if you recall your mountaineering history, Mount Analogue is a mountain hidden from plain sight by a weird lens refraction effect due to atmospheric bending. Rene Daumal led an expedition to another portal onto the Slopes of Mount Analogue via sailing in the Sount Pacific in his voyage account to the mountain of the same name. Current mountaineering scientific data suggested to me there could be other 4 dimensional doors of access to the slopes of Mount analogue then the one he found sixty years ago, so I bagan my search in earnest years ago to find the Mount Analogue of the north Casdcades. It wasn't until a very windy day on the summit of Glacier Peak when I looked across the valley, expecting to see miners' ridge and Dome Peak when looming out of the mists is a rugged spire I had never seen before! It appears the heavy winds had blown away the protective cloak of the refactory vapors coming up from Gamma Hot Springs. Hidden from mere mortal's sights by these deceptive mists, Fred Beckey and his clan never got a chance to bag this one... [This message has been edited by Beck (edited 08-23-2001).] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wopper Posted August 24, 2001 Share Posted August 24, 2001 Is it 'shroom season already? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pen Posted August 24, 2001 Share Posted August 24, 2001 You the one runnin that meth lab 5-0's been lookin for? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted August 24, 2001 Share Posted August 24, 2001 As I recall it, according to Daniel Pinkwater there is a floating island in Lake Chicago with the same optical illusion... this summit is starting to sound like the infamous Bogus Mountain of the south-central BC coast (see Fairley guide, last entry in "Sechelt/Narrows" section) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 24, 2001 Author Share Posted August 24, 2001 ..."Gee, Teddy...you smell better than a wahine at a Molokai luau!" I manage to stammer out. He turns his head in that special way and winks at me. My heart throbbed for the bear. He turns back to face the snow gully but goes back to that strange behavior of waving his arms and repeating to himself , "Hi, I'm Teddy Ruxpin." and it's starting to freak me out a little bit, but I calm down a little bit as we begin to simulclimb the gully. Teddy's on lead, dropping a picket every sixty feet or so. I'm pulling them and clipping them onto my harness, then notice Teddy's been failing to girth hitch the runners low enough on them. He's even got one death threaded, good thing we're not in any real danger in the gully. He's also spazzing out every so often, swinging his arms aimlessly if he wasn't tasking them and rotating his head back and forth like drunken Irishman with a lot to say. Looks like a little fatigue... I call out to him about 700 feet up the gully. "Teddy! hold up. I've got to check your backside for a minute!" Boy, did that get me all excited, thinking about him that way. Wow. He is so SEXY with that fur all slicked up, I was clearly getting excited. I hoped Teddy wouldn't notice as I pull up to him at the platform he was slowly stomping out in the steep snow. "Teddy. Come here. Turn around." I barked at him like a dominatrix at a Shriners' convention. He could barely turn his head and mumble weakly, " Hi, I'm Teddy rux..' Damn, I had better act quickly.I start digging around in the thick fur of his back. Wow, was I excited by all this close contact,it was tough to keep from trembling as I popped Teddy with a new set of Energizers. Titaniums. Teddy's eyes lit up as if the Pink Bunny had plugged him with a MaxiVibe turned on full power! He roars, " HI! I'M TEDDY RUXPIN" like a steer on adrenosone, grabs me in a huge crushing bearhug that, quite frankly, sprained my willy. Wow, I nearly climaxed with all the affection but Teddy's hug was too brief and he reconcentrates and hurls himself up the gully... [This message has been edited by Beck (edited 08-24-2001).] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 25, 2001 Author Share Posted August 25, 2001 ...with Teddy re-energized,he nearly HAULS me up the rest of the gully and we make great time up the up to the bergshrund we needed to step over to attain the rock face portion of She's Gonna Blow. I pull up to Teddy's stance on the top shelf of the snow in the gully. He's pulling chocks and stoppers out of his pack and racking them up on a bandoleer sling. "Wow, Teddy,that rack makes you look hotter than Antonio Banderas on a siesta! Let me give you the stubby ice screws, looks like we've got some verglas burnishing some of the shaded sections still." I take off my pack and start digging through it. I get out my helmet and cleverly lay my Kevlar falsies out on the snow right in front of him. "Teddy, do you remember, back at the rock a few months ago and there was this total knockout hottie with a lot of blonde hair and a chest protector like this one?" "Yeah, she was HOT! I got so worked up I had to go burgularize a honey store, just to get satisfied after I saw her. Man , did I want to eat her right up!!!" Teddy's eyes glazed over. "Honey pie, mmmm..." Now was the moment of truth. "Well, Teddy, that was me." and I haul out my German made Marlene Dietrich wig and placed it on my head while coyly winking at Teddy R... [This message has been edited by Beck (edited 08-25-2001).] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 28, 2001 Author Share Posted August 28, 2001 ...Teddy gets a big grin and smiles slyly as he places a stopper up high off the rock from the bergshrund. " I know it was you, silly. Do you think you could fool people with that two bit drag queen act? You've got to get a lot better at it for me to like you." My heart was crushed. " Belay on." I manage to mutter out between stifled sobs. Teddy sends the first step off the shrund onto the rock. What a solid climber he was, his den mother would be proud. He had the skill of Sharma and the coolheadedness of Messner. God, what a turn on! I call out to Teddy as he climbs up a ladder of solid jugs midway up the first pitch. " Teddy, it's more than just my climbing in drag! I was terribly confused as a young man. I felt like I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body, I always wanted to munch puss or hang out with naked chicks and a bottle of coconut oil in the tent while everyone else was out in a blizzard. If anything, it's compromised my climbing,all this emphasis on women, and I'm tired of living the lies any longer..." Teddy stops mid pitch, looks down the granite face at me and says, "Well, you know, Becky boy, there is a solution..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
therock Posted August 28, 2001 Share Posted August 28, 2001 Is this piece published? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 29, 2001 Author Share Posted August 29, 2001 writing it as I go along! Just some typical stream of conciousness writing a la Burroughs or Kerouac,albiet poorer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 29, 2001 Author Share Posted August 29, 2001 ...|Teddy's reply stunned me so badly I drop the stitch plate and nearly fall off the belay ledge! "Wow, Teddy, that never occurred to me! I'll look into it when we get back to town." Teddy continued to climb out of sight. "Teddy, ten feet!" Teddy stops pulling rope thru the sticht, then hollers down a minute later. "Belay On!" "Climbing." I clean the route as I climb up to him and grab the rest of the rack and we switch leads. The next couple pitches go well, till on one pitch I'm noticing I've got a lot of rope slack. "Teddy. Up Rope, dude. you're giving me a big whip factor if I peel." I get no response and no change in the rope. "Teddy. Up Rope!" I holler once more. No response other than some muffled groans from above. Well, needless to say, I took a thirty foot fall and popped a couple chocks out of the rock until the rope FINALLY goes taut. There's no longer second than the one you spend waiting for the rope to catch you, isn't there? Well, my helmet took most of the hit so I was okay but I took a huge hit in my Kevlar Falsies that tweaked my nips and chafed them raw from all the abrasion. Boy did that smart, and I was pissed. I climb furiously back up to Teddy. To top it all off, when I reach the belay ledge and mantleshelf onto it I see Teddy's got this snafflehound and he's BUGGERING her like the salesman in the barn with the farmer's daughter! He's got this huge grin and half closed eyes in such a state of sexual frenzy. The snafflehound had this expression of half terror, half pleasure as he's doing her from behind. The sight left me with a strange tingling in my nether regions... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
therock Posted August 29, 2001 Share Posted August 29, 2001 well Mr. Beck, it's pretty damn good stuff, why don't you keep going and try to get it published. You might be surprised. Seattle is "hip" to this kind of shit. You know, Kurt Kobane (sp?), Starbucks, Avant-garde stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 30, 2001 Author Share Posted August 30, 2001 ... Teddy drops the snafflehound when he finally notices my presence on the ledge. I'm pissed and sore so I scrape some verglas out of a crack and nurse my nips with it as Teddy leads the next pitch. He's climbing around a corner an a minor buttress and calling out "slack.More slack" as he climbs out of sight. I'm feeding him a bunch of line and the next thing you know he's traversing wildly on a ledge 80 feet above, in fast pursuit of the snafflehound he was just friggin a few minutes ago. She's got this look of sheer terror with Teddy fast on her tail. It seems she had climbed HIGHER on the rock to escape her amorous suitor and Teddy must've spotted her on the other side of the buttress. I notice he's failed to place any protection on the traverse when all of a sudden Teddy's paw slips off the ledge and he takes a HUGE ripper and nearly pulls me off the belay ledge, anchors,cordelette and all- the whole enchilada. He's lucky I'm still his climbing bitch... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 31, 2001 Author Share Posted August 31, 2001 Jman that ROCKS! dude. Thanks. new eppisode shortly... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 31, 2001 Author Share Posted August 31, 2001 ...Teddy slowly pendulums to a halt, scraping against the rock. "Good thing that coconut oil makes this less like shaving with a belt sander and more like having a Geisha in a Kimono walk up and down your back!" he says sheepishly in that vain climber's attempt to minimize the fall they've just taken. "Teddy, you bastard. You nearly pulled the belay anchors right out of their cracks, man! You son of a bitch!" I really laid into him for a couple of minutes. Little did he know the sight of him with the snafflehound had been one of the most erotic things I'd ever encountered. I briefly thought about life as Teddy's Snafflehound bitch. Kinky. "Well, let's forget about all that, and go back to climbing. Sorry about ripping into you like that. " I call out to him in apology. Teddy "harumphs" and begins to reclimb the rock to the next belay ledge. "Off belay." followed a second later by "Belay on." Gosh, he was fast. What a climbing stud. I holler "Climbing" I climb on relatively difficult ledges and laybacks to get up to the belay stances. In the last 20 feet I begin to notice a fine misting that turns heavier the closer I get but it stops abruptly just before I reach the ledge. As I get to the ledge I see teddy chugging the last of the water! " Teddy, what's happening with the weather. It was just raining a minute ago." "No, wasn't any rain up here. I was taking a leak a minute ago." He smacks his lips in satisfaction."Boy, like a racehorse after the trough!" He had been pissing on his climbing partner. Little did he know it caused me a strange thrill that felt akin to seeing the teacher's panties during dictation... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jman Posted August 31, 2001 Share Posted August 31, 2001 Here's a pic of Teddy heading to the crag: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
therock Posted August 31, 2001 Share Posted August 31, 2001 Careful there Beck, You're gonna have all the Goth's and the Golden Shower crowd lustin for you soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 31, 2001 Author Share Posted August 31, 2001 sounds to me like you have a greater than passing interest in the subject, the rock? I know a great B&D B&B I can put you up in next time you're here in the big city. Teddy'n'me are heading off for three days of ski mountaineering with a bottle of coconut oil and the BD Luvshack for some "rock climbing"- but don't worry, we'll be carrying plenty of "protection"- more adventures to follow on Tuesday, hope you all can wait! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jman Posted August 31, 2001 Share Posted August 31, 2001 The carnal Teddy and his 'rag doll' snafflehound. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beck Posted August 31, 2001 Author Share Posted August 31, 2001 Jman , that shit is great!!! Where the F____ do you get these pictures? Teddy's been cheating on me, hasn't he? He said he wasn't going to go for any more of those snafflehounds and here he is at some Tux n tails celebrity ball with a snafflehound escort! That bastard, he's lucky I'm still his lifelong climbing bitch, he doesn,t realize how great he's got it with me. I want that one for the article- I'll be trying to send it out for consideration in some of the April Fools issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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