JayB Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 From Conan O Brian. Get your scrolling finger ready... "Afghanistan The bad news is, there's a new article about everyone farming opium. The good news is, you can't read. Albania The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service. Algeria It took you eight years to beat France. Andorra How does it feel, being Luxembourg's bitch? Angola Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate. Azerbaijan Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals. Bahamas It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish. Bahrain A thriving center of trade and culture... until 2000 BC! Bangladesh If you can hear this, your television isn't underwater. Congratulations! Barbados There simply isn't a more beautiful island... to sail by on your way to Jamaica. Belarus Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool. Belgium The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium. Belize Get your camera; they're paving a road! Benin Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you'll be as rich as Rwanda. Bhutan So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?" Bolivia Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the goverment. Bosnia & Herzegovina Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio. Botswana Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35. Brazil Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants. Brunei If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it's chicken smuggling. Bulgaria So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs. Burkina Faso In the traditional tribal language, that's Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso." Burma The bad news is, you've got rampant malaria. The good news is, it doesn't stop the kids from making those shirts. Burundi All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up. Cambodia How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn't listening? Cameroon Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie... with a longer life expectancy! Canada With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal! Cape Verde Millions visit your island nation... to refuel their planes! Central African Republic So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me." Chad Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival. Chile The good news is, it's finally legal to get a divorce. The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert? China If you're gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason. Colombia You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart. Comoros On a list of the world's purchasing power, you're ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries? Democratic Republic of Congo Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade. Republic of Congo Without you, who would the elephants trample? Costa Rica Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads. Cote D'Ivoire Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare? Croatia Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people. Cuba Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft. Cyprus Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos. Czech Republic The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story. Denmark Too bad you can't build a warm, sunny day out of Legos. Djibouti Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia. Dominica Where the national catchphrase is "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to interrupt your armed robbery." Dominican Republic The perfect place for anyone who's ever asked themself "Where'd my car go?" East Timor It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor. Ecuador Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket. Egypt Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum. El Salvador Where no resumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad." Equatorial Guinea Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves... I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh* Eritrea You only have one TV station, but cheer up - it's got locust reports on the eights! Estonia Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that's not an alcoholic. Ethiopia I can't do this one, let's move on. Fiji If you're visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, 'cause it's the best way to flee cannibals. Finland We're so dumb, we can't wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front. You've had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world's most famous Finn is still Huckleberry. France You gave us the term "deja vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you've been obnoxious and arrogant before. Deja vu!" (Wait a miniute, this is France, so I think I can't do just one.) France Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You're number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis. Gabon You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo." The Gambia The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We've got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels." Georgia Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don't we both dump our crap here?" Germany The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff." Ghana The 'h' is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What's worthwhile about Ghana?" Greece Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed. Grenada When you're at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon. Guatemala Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!" Guinea Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they're actually from Peru. Guinea-Bissau The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts. Guyana The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery." Haiti You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires. Hungary Sure, your next-door neighbour Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don't forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage. Iceland I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land? India A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague. Indonesia This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election. Iran Just two more years 'til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day 'til you use it on a woman holding a beer. Ireland You know, there's a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job. Israel Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day. Italy The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce." Jamaica Of course you've got an astronomical murder rate. You've had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years. Japan Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters. Jordan Thanks to your country's progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off. Kenya It's a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you're one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65. South Korea Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour. Kuwait We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch. Kyrgystan If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks." Laos You'll come for the early Asian ruins. You'll stay 'cause you've been stricken with avian bird flu. Latvia Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans. Liberia Are you bummed out 'cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it. Luxembourg Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity. Malawi Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads. Malaysia Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe. Maldives You'll come for the tropical climate. You'll stay 'cause you've been eaten by tiger sharks. Mali What's that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts! Malta Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers. Marshall Islands To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found. Mexico Look, there's an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him. Monaco Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money. Mongolia Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort. Mozambique The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world. The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven. Myanmar Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001. Nepal Home to eight of the world's highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate. The Netherlands Congratulations, you've turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke. New Caledonia Still a world leader in beach erosion. Nicaragua Come learn about the heritage of your nanny. Nigeria Where children come first... in the draft. Norway Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia... Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia! Oman As in "Oh man, I can't believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!" Pakistan Guess what? You're not worth jack-istan! Palau How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport. How do you leave Palau? Through a shark's colon. Panama Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton. Philippines Mi casa es su landfill. Poland We'd write an insult about Poland, but they'd just send themselves the hate mail. Romania Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania." Russia The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits. St. Kitts & Nevis You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there's almost no one left to die during hurricane season. Samoa Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there. Saudi Arabia You'll come for the history, you'll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles. Serbia You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits? Sierra Leone You fought for the British in World War I, now you're fighting for your first working toilet. Slovakia In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two seperate parts: Slovakia, and the good part. Somalia Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there's plenty of rubble for everyone! Spain Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you're not. Hmm, that's strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap! Sweden Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome. Syria We haven't bombed you yet. Still, I'd hold off on any major contruction projects. Taiwan Oh wait, you're not a real country. You're China's bitch! Tajikistan Congratulations, you're where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves. Thailand Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they're willing to come out of retirement. Togo You've got it all... and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea. Trinidad & Tobago The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles. Tunisia Remember that scene in Star Wars when they're on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren't actors! Turkey Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on. Turkmenistan Why don't more people give their children Turkmen names? I don't know, let's ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov. Turks & Caicos Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort. Uganda Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous? United Arab Emirates You're remarkably tolerant on women's rights: you let them drive a car to their stoning. United Kingdom The sun never sets on the United Kingdom, and it never rose on British dentistry. Uzbekistan You've got a novel way to fight corruption: you don't have anything worth stealing! Vanuatu You have more than a hundred local languages; in other words, over a hundred ways to say "Hey, remember when Survivor was here?" Vietnam Come and reunite your sneakers with the eight-year-olds who made them. Virgin Islands Well you wouldn't be, if you weren't so damn ugly. Wallis & Fortuna The reason for your people's long lifespan? Not even Death knows where the hell you are! Yemen If you think Yemen is too tough on shoplifters, raise your right stump. Zambia Don't let anyone tell you that you're dirt-poor. You've got plenty of dirt! Zimbabwe You'll come for the country's pristine natural beauty. You'll stay because rogue soldiers have chained you to a burned-out jeep." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joblo7 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 israel: way tooo tame for what that place is like.that's one of the nastiest place on the planet. nice folks ,though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joblo7 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 israel: way tooo tame for what that place is like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NTM Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 what, no north korea? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STP Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Ukraine? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sexual_chocolate Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Ukraine isn't a country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STP Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 (edited) Nyet! https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/print/up.html Edited October 2, 2007 by STP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sexual_chocolate Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 oh sure, try to bring the cia website to prove me wrong. booga booga! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KaskadskyjKozak Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 oh sure, try to bring the cia website to prove me wrong. booga booga! Хочеш мене розсердити з такими зневагами? Пішов ти на хуй! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Trippett Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 where's the USA? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponzini Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 And Iraq? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gertlush Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 and how many Americans can identify them on a map? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClimbingPanther Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 israel: way tooo tame for what that place is like.that's one of the nastiest place on the planet. nice folks ,though. since you've been there... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Trippett Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 ...and Burma and Myanmar are the same country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raindawg Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 israel: way tooo tame for what that place is like.that's one of the nastiest place on the planet. nice folks ,though. Ever been there, sparky? I have...I spent two summers there. I found it to be one of the most fascinating places in the world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Off_White Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 He leans a little heavily on life expectancy humor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JayB Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 where's the USA? Fill in the blanks.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cj001f Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 where's the USA? I met an Australian who's taunt was "You voted for him, didn't you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JayB Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 Was the "him" in question John Howard? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cj001f Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 they consider Howard, rightfully, a toady. Perhaps if I had money for luxury digs I'd meet his supporters Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fear_and_greed Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 The USA - the only country in the world that has has more guns than people. The USA - home of the American dream, spend half your day stuck in traffic, spend the other half dreaming about getting a bigger SUV to make the traffic more bearable. The USA - where the gyms have escalators to the 2nd floor Starbucks. The USA - your political system is unrivalled for compassion, truth and human rights, compared to ancient Rome and nazi Germany. The USA - it used to be that a middle aged housewifes dream was a colour TV now it's a facelift, boobjob and lipo. and finally The USA - depite the worlds most powerful, highly trained and well provisioned military you can't find a 6 1/2 ft bearded man hiding in a cave after 6 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JayB Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 Nice effort, but a touch conventional for my tastes. I think you can do better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
builder206 Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 The USA - the only country in the world that has has more guns than people. Yes, and goddamnit, only 27 are mine. (note to self: buy at least 2 guns this weekend) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TREETOAD Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 usa the other russia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairweather Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Ukraine isn't a country. Huh? I guess you still view it as part of the great Soviet Empire? This pretty much disqualifies you from future debate. BTW; your buddy Stalin killed/starved a bunch of folks there once who wouldn't turn over their farms to the state. Look into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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