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Bad joke time again!


snoboy

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I hate to be a spoiler, but Snoboy told this one wrong... It's not

Hey Doc! My buddy just got bit on the dick by a rattlesnake! He's out in the desert. What should I do?"
It's Doc! My buddy just got bit by a rattlesnake. What should I do?" He doesn't tell the doc where on the man the bite was...
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The captain of a pirate ship was sitting in his cabin when the first mate came to him and said, "There is a pirate ship on the horizon!" The captain replied, "Tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" replied the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The ship came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. A week later, the first mate came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are four ships on the horizon!" The captain replied, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my red shirt!" "Yes sir!" said the first mate and went to fulfill his orders. The other ships came closer and the men began to fight. The captain and his ship won the battle and the men kept all of the gold. After they won the battle, the first mate went to the captain and asked, "Every time we go into battle, you wear your red shirt. Why?" The captain answered, "Well, I wear my red shirt so that if I get shot and start bleeding, the men will keep fighting, not knowing their captain is hurt!" The first mate said, "Wow! That is really smart!" Two weeks later, the first mate once again came to the captain and said, "Captain, there are 20 ships on the horizon!" The captain said, "OK, tell the men to prepare the guns and bring me my brown pants!"

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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, giving them the rules of campus. "The female dorm will be out-of-bounds for all male students, as will the male dorm for female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offence, $60 for the second offense, and $180 if you're caught a third time."

A male student in the crowd yelled out, "How much for a season pass?" smileysex5.gif

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Double_E will surely find this one funny...

 

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

 

The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go."

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I read Blue Highways, and the whole way through I tried to like it, but failed. Then someone gave me River Horse. What a horribly boring book. "We started out and motored along. (Insert vague observation about changing industrial landscape viewed from the perspective of a boater here.) Then we found a place to tie up the boat and went ashore to drink beer with dinner." yellowsleep.gifyellowsleep.gifyellowsleep.gifyellowsleep.gif

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The other day I was feeling down so I went to the video store and bought a self-help video on how to handle disappointment.

 

When I got home I opened the box...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...and it was empty.

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Sven & Ole were working in a factory and were talking on their coffee break.

 

"I tink I'll take some time off from da vork." says Sven.

 

"How do you tink you'll do dat?" asks Ole.

 

Sven proceeds to show Ole...he climbs up to the rafters, and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees Sven hanging from the ceiling, and asks him what on earth he is doing? "I'm da light bulb" answers Sven.

 

"I think you need some time off," says the boss.

 

So, Sven jumps down and walks out of the factory.

 

Ole starts walking out too.

 

The boss asks Ole "where do you think your going?

 

Ole answers, "Home, I can't vork in the dark".

--------------------------------------------------------

 

It seems that Ole was sitting in a bar with his best friend, Sven. "I chust don't know," Ole complained. "I come home and Lena don't have my dinner ready. Seems to me a man ought to be able to have a hot meal when he comes from work. It ain't right, you know."

 

"Oh," Sven said, "I had a problem like that. I would come home and the house would be messy. I told my wife, "From now on, I expect the house to be clean when I get home!"

 

"And vot happened?" Ole inquired.

 

"The first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. The third day, I see that the house is clean as a whistle."

 

"Wow! Chust like that!?"

 

"Yeah, just like that. I wear the pants in my family."

 

"By golly, I vill try that myself!" exclaimed Ole.

 

A couple of weeks later Ole runs into Sven, and Sven says, "So what happened, Ole? Did you tell your wife you expected dinner on the table when you get home?"

 

"You betcha," said Ole. "Chust like you said. I told her what's what."

 

"So what happened?" Sven asked.

 

"Oh, pretty much like with you. The first day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The second day, I come home, I don't see nothin'. The third day, I come home, I can maybe see just a little bit out of my left eye."

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

Sven and Inger were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. Inger said, "Yew should do it, because yew get up first, and den ve don't have to vait as long to get our coffee."

 

Sven said, "Yew are in charge of cooking around here, and yew should do it, because that is your yob, and I can yust wait for my coffee."

 

Inger replies, "No, yew should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible dat da man should do the coffee."

 

Sven replies, "I can't believe dat, show me."

 

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...."HEBREWS"

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Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."

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