TR: Mt Constipation -- Solo

[Thinker]

TR: Mt Constipation -- Solo

 

Who really knows what starts us on these kinds of journeys. Like many others, I’ve been to the mountain before, enjoyed the views from the trails around the visitor’s centers, and even ventured higher onto the snowfields without the proper knowledge. But as the years passed and my skill level and tolerance of pain increased until finally one day the mountain called me.

 

I rarely go into something like this with a fixed schedule worked out. I like to ‘sneak up’ on the mountain, experiencing the transitions from rain forest, to alpine forest, to alpine meadow, to desert, to snow gradually and deliberately…and this trip was no different. I took about 6 days to make the approach and on the 7th, everything felt right for a summit attempt….which by then, given the bloating and extra weight, was a wise decision.

 

I arose at the decidedly lazy hour of ‘mid morning’, but since there is really no objective danger on Mt. Constipation, it was fine to travel as I felt fit. And besides, on momentous days like today, a man truly does want some solace at this summit. I started out with a light summit pack, my trusty boots, an alpenstaff, and plenty of good reading material. The journey that day was contorted and bizarre, but all that much more memorable.

 

The first people I met on the trail were medical doctors from Seattle. They noticed the wheezing in my lungs and obvious pain with each breath and expressed concern. I noted that I’d taken 6 days to make my approach on Mt. Constipation and nodded appreciatively. To appease them, I allowed them to give me a CAT scan with a portable unit they happened to have in their pack. They felt very justified when they found evidence of severe pneumonia in my right lung (read, the bottom of my lung was filled with pus and other nasty goobers) and fluid outside the lung. The promptly referred me to a specialist friend of theirs who was just up the trail a couple of floors….err….thousand feet. Said specialist took pity on me and drilled a hole in my back between my ribs so he could ‘sample’ the fluid outside my lungs. Again, I was appreciative, but had a larger mission to accomplish. I thanked the kind doctors, downed the antibiotics they gave me, and continued on my way.

 

Another thousand feet of elevation gain! Hallelujah! I feel SO close. I must sit down for a minute and try. The sound of Blackhawk helicopters buzzing me from every direction erupted as soon as I took my comfort….and the smell was horrendous, sulfur from the summit cauldera no doubt. But still, it was all just gas and innuendo…..worse than those conniving bitches Minx and Muffy…..always flirting and teasing, but never coming through! Ah, I must continue on, striving for the apex of this dastardly mountain.

 

Hours go by, thousands more feet of elevation gain below me, and something tells me I’m there. Ten more rushed steps to the summit cauldera and it’s TRUE. As the gravity of the situation slowly settles upon me the mountain gurgles and rumbles, deadly vapors are all around me. If it weren’t for the light breeze at my back I’d surely be dead now. I didn’t really think the thought of TRASK would come to me at this moment, but as I gazed into the churning cauldron just inches below my feet I had to laugh….I tell myself that this is far worse than anything a giardia ridden Trask could generate after a weekend long bender at the rocky mountain oyster eating contest and Jagermeister drinking fest….not that I truly want to find out.

 

My stay on the summit was long and tiring; I think it lasted 4 hours. Nausea, clarity, visions, terror, thankfulness, bliss, and comfort continually cycled thru my emotions. But as the sun rose to a beautiful day I felt refreshed and ready for my descent. The glissade down was several magnitudes of order more refreshing than the sunrise, as I had only my shorts over polypro that day. Somehow, it was appreciated though.

 

At long last tucked snugly in my bed, I realized that many people don’t ever make it that far up Mt. Constipation. Most are happy to stay within their comfort level…and should. But for anyone needing to spice up their life a bit, I highly recommend taking that LONG approach and heading for the true summit. As I drifted off I remember wondering if I’d have pleasant dreams or nightmares……but really, what is the difference. They’re both expressions of something we’re trying to get off our chests or out of our brains....or out of our bodies in some way or another.

 

Now, as I sit at home and contemplate the journey, I wonder if it qualifies for any sort of record, like the slowest ascent of this peak, or the most time spent at the summit. I wonder what the current record really is. Do I even qualify to challenge the record if I didn't set out with the intent to do so? For that intrepid subject, I'll have to defer to the expert Dan -....Dan, if you want GPS logs of my trail, statetments from the medical doctors who treated me along the way, or verrification from the summit register (I left some TP with my DNA pasted to a page in the register), samples of anything for your trusty companion dog to track, or explanations of any of the abbreviations I used in the summit register, just let me know...I'll do my best to help you doccument everything on your webpage, right down to every last thing I ate during that 6 day approach. I think that would make GREAT content for a dedicated page on your website.

[MrDoolittle]

What's worse: reading this, or writing this????? Am I supposed to be laughing? You should try THIS

[catbirdseat]

MtDoolittle, until you have climbed the mountain you will never understand the hardships that must be endured, nor the elation that comes with standing at the summit of Mt. Constipation.

[sk]

Jeez and I thought my weekend was bad I gues it is true that trhere is always someone worse off and always some one better off ( at least for me )

[Dru]

you should try THIS:

 

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3271482395&category=1345

 

"for encouraging the excrement!"