Greg_W Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 So Dwayner and I were discussing some obscure reference to the Dead Sea Scrolls via PM a few weeks ago, and he suggests we grab a beer. Since he's all about Tacoma, I figure he'll know the nice bars, so I agree to head South. I roll up to Dwayner's pad and he's on the lawn with a half-empty Mickey's in each fist, looking kinda wild-eyed. "LET'S ROLL, BRO!!" He bellows, and off we go. As a fairly tall, white, closely-shorn individual, I stick out just about anywhere outside of the Bellevue Square Mall but I'm used to that. Dwayner points me into some seedy section of town and tells me to park in front of an even seedier-looking tavern. I thought that I had frequented a few "taverns" in my youth, but nothing in East Texas prepared me for this. Dwayner strolls in like he owns the joint and we get eyed pretty close at the door. Once inside, though, Dwayner knows everybody!! Reuben-esque women of the dark-skinned variety are buying him drinks left and right, while I am forgotten on a bar stool chatting with what looked like a washed up old blues singer. Now worries, we're treated like regulars within 10 minutes and things start to get lively. The juke box starts spitting out tunes and Dwayner is like he's trying to shake the white off rice. After about an hour of this, Dwayner is completely soaked in sweat; he sways in front of me and says, "Les geddouddahere, this place is dead." Stumbling through the door with Dwayner in tow, he slides into my front seat. Now, I'm not a neat freak or nothing, but I do like to take care of the leather seats in my truck; Dwayner looked like he had just run a marathon, bench-pressed Wynona Judd, and pushed a Mack truck around the block. Boy, I had some work cut out for me with the leather cleaner. The next bar Dwayner steered me towards was a little bit more on the bright side. Almost too bright, actually. Very friendly, well-kept, professional types and plenty of plants and Kenny G going on. This place actually made me MORE nervous than the last one. Anyway, we saddled up to the bar and started drinking; Dwayner started scoping the chics. I kept my head down and worked on my vodka & cranberry like it was the last one on Earth. Finally, Dwayner latches on to a filly and drags her over (literally, he was pretty drunk by now) to the bar to meet me. "Sheila" had a pretty firm grip for a woman, not to mention rather broad shoulders. No big deal, I shrugged to myself, there are a lot of athletic women in the area. I think "Sheila" had a cold or bronchitis, or something, 'cause she had a pretty deep voice when she said hello. Aw, well, I thought, it's Dwayner's problem not mine. Back to my drink. Again, Dwayner starts cutting a rug something fierce (well, as fierce as you can get when Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and David Gray are on). He's dancing pretty close with "Sheila", but it's hard for me to tell who's leading. I shook my head and ordered coffee from the barkeep. When he brought it, the bartender gave me a concerned look and shifted his eyes towards Dwayner. Now, I was getting worried. At a break in the music, Dwayner and his "lady" came back to where I was sitting to take a breather and grab a drink. It was then that I noticed something peculiar about "Sheila." When she trotted of to "powder her nose", I pulled Dwayner aside; "you see anything strange about her, man?" I asked. "No, doood, she's wicked HOT, " slurred Dwayner. "Uh, look at her throat, bro," I suggested. "Her skin is butter soft, you jealous cad," Dwayner piped. At this point, I couldn't stand it. I grabbed Dwayner by both shoulders and shook him, "She's got an adam's apple, you fool!!" Dwayner got a funny look on his face and kinda blinked a few times. "She, uh, got punched in the throat as a teenager, you insensitive asshole!" Dwayner yelled. "Gedthefugouddahere, I'm going home with Sheila!!" Dwayner bellowed; just on cue, Sheila glided back up and took Dwayner by the arm and smiled at me. I got the shivers. I shook my head and shrugged. What could I do? I slipped the barkeep a fin and headed for the door, not looking back. I haven't heard from Dwayner since and I'm getting kinda worried... Greg_W Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catbirdseat Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 Poor Dwayner. Too much gave him the worst set of beer goggles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sk Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 That was the funniest thing I have read in a week, maybe more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fence_Sitter Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 shit nice TR man! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minx Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 OMFD!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave_Schuldt Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 (edited) SHURE HER NAME WASN'T LOLA (KINKS SONG) Edited August 25, 2003 by Dave_Schuldt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwayner Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 Some clarifications: The first bar we went to, "The Angry Sailor", is not "seedy". It's got a happening crowd and it's always a good time. Greg got a free drink there and chatted with the owner so I don't know why he'd bad-mouthing the place. The next bar, "Richard's Hey There!", was actually Greg's suggestion. He had read about it in one of those questionable Seattle tabloids. Let's set the record straight: the sturdy young lady that he referred to (her name was Cynthia, not "Shiela"), was a female body builder and ALL woman. We later just went out to her car and talked. (And she had to drive me home because that punk Greg took off because he was having NO luck with the ladies!) Here's a big tip from the pro's: if you want to meet the gals, don't be sipping some obnoxious candy drink like a vodka and cranberry while you egg your buddy on with lines like, "Dude! Check that one out! Get her over here!". Second: if you limit yourself to skinny girls and ageing cheerleaders, you're missing out on a lot of what life has to offer. The biggest lesson to be learned here: Don't go drinking with Greg because he'll get on the internet and spray the details out to random strangers. - Dwayner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg_W Posted August 25, 2003 Author Share Posted August 25, 2003 Dwayner said: Some clarifications: The first bar we went to, "The Angry Sailor", is not "seedy". It's got a happening crowd and it's always a good time. Greg got a free drink there and chatted with the owner so I don't know why he'd bad-mouthing the place. The next bar, "Richard's Hey There!", was actually Greg's suggestion. He had read about it in one of those questionable Seattle tabloids. Let's set the record straight: the sturdy young lady that he referred to (her name was Cynthia, not "Shiela"), was a female body builder and ALL woman. We later just went out to her car and talked. (And she had to drive me home because that punk Greg took off because he was having NO luck with the ladies!) Here's a big tip from the pro's: if you want to meet the gals, don't be sipping some obnoxious candy drink like a vodka and cranberry while you egg your buddy on with lines like, "Dude! Check that one out! Get her over here!". Second: if you limit yourself to skinny girls and ageing cheerleaders, you're missing out on a lot of what life has to offer. The biggest lesson to be learned here: Don't go drinking with Greg because he'll get on the internet and spray the details out to random strangers. - Dwayner Typical drivel from an aging swinger wannabe... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sk Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 FYI a vodka and cranberry is fondly know as a "Cape Cod" MMMMM YMMMMY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 Dwayner said:...if you limit yourself to skinny girls and ageing cheerleaders, you're missing out on a lot of what life has to offer. Even though I am taken, I totally agree. The same goes with a lot of single women. Single women are looking for good looking guys and HOPE they turn out to be nice guys to show mom and pop.....that's why a lot of women stay single.....as well as men....... DWAYNER: A long time ago, I went to a tavern in Tacoma several times that had the facade of a tea kettle. I really liked the place. They only served Rainier, Bud, and Miller when I went. Is that place still around? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minx Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 (edited) Bob's Java Jive don't know if it's still open though http://theregents.net/javajive.html Edited August 25, 2003 by minx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwayner Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 Drinking "buddy" Greg comments about my reality check: "Typical drivel from an aging swinger wannabe..." OK, pal. Then how come you called me the next day and asked me if she had a sister so we could "double date"? Also, asking the bartender (whom you rudely addressed as "Elton John, Jr." )at "Richard's Hey There!" whether they could switch the music to a "a little Garth Brooks" was a major faux pas and we're lucky that we weren't asked to leave. I told my buddy "pope" about the evening and he had one suggestion for you: wear a wedding ring when you go into a bar and you'll meet more women. He claims it works very well. As for the Java Jive, as far as I know, it's still open. Karaoke on Friday nights. Jungle decor. They used to have a pair of large, psychotic monkeys behind a big glass window next to the pool tables. One of them would hide and wait for someone to take a peak. Just as you were thinkin, "where are the damn monkeys?", he'd jump out and slap the glass and make that ugly monkey hissing face, complete with fangs. Dang frightening but always fun to send your unsuspecting first-time buddies up there. "Hey! Go see if them monkeys are back there!" SLAP! The Jive The Monkey The Wedding Ring And by the way, foo....here's a picture of Cynthia...she's a pro. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fence_Sitter Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 Muffy_The_Wanker_Sprayer said: FYI a vodka and cranberry is fondly know as a "Cape Cod" MMMMM YMMMMY or a flaming queer anywhere outside seattle or sanfran Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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