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V.D. Advice from Dwayner n' Pope


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It's Valentine's Day sometime this week, and I know that many or most of the climbing dudes who post on this site are somewhat, if not completely ,inept when it comes to meeting the ladies. Me and m'buddy pope have never had such problems, so in the interest of helping you meet a delightful missy for this year's V.D., I'm generously providing a few of our best and until now, secret, "pick-up lines".

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: "Are you from Tennessee? I hear there is some great bouldering going on out there.DWAYNER N'POPE'S EFFECTIVE VERSIOn: "Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only "10" I see!

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: It seems that I'm in a fairy tale. [Girl: "Why?"] Because the beers here are really cheap tonight and I thought that cheap beer night was gonna be tomorrow!"DWAYNER N'POPE's EFFECTIVE VERSION: It seems that I'm in a fairy tale. [Girl: "Why?"] Because I see a beautiful princess in front of me!

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: Pardon me, Miss, but I seem to have lost my phone number. Could you help me dig through my haul-bag out in the back of my dirty truck in the parking lot. Maybe it's there!DWAYNER N'POPE's EFFECTIVE VERSION: Pardon me, Miss, but I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours?

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: Are you religious? Because I was wondering if you'd know if the REI was open on Sunday.DWAYNER N'POPE's EFFECTIVE VERSION: Are you religious? Because I'm the answer to all of your prayers!

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: The lenses of my glacier glasses are turning dark. Could you stand in front of the window and block some of the glare?DWAYNER N'POPE's EFFECTIVE VERSION: My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: I know a great way to burn off the calories from that fat-filled pastry you just ate: we can go to Exit 38 and I'll show you how to belay a sport-climb.DWAYNER N'POPE's EFFECTIVE VERSION: I know a great way to get a little exercise! What do you say we get away from all of these nerdy climbers and take a walk on the beach.

BAD CLIMBER PICK-UP LINE: Do you have a boyfriend? [Girl: "Yes"] Well, can he climb 5.10c offwidth?DWAYNER N'POPE's EFFECTIVE VERSION: Do you have a boyfriend? [Girl: "Yes"] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

OUR LABORATORY HAS DEMONSTRATED THAT THESE LINES DO NOT WORK:"Hey baby, whatdaya say we duck behind that rock and get a little boulder/bolder....Get it?""Hey there! You have a bad odor! Let's take a shower!""Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.""Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scoth and sofa?""I gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like Gatorade!""If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.""If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

Good luck, and you can thank us later. [big Drink][big Drink]

[ 02-12-2002: Message edited by: Dwayner ]

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Ok, I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but what the hell...you're just a bunch of climbers anyway.

My best and worst pick-up line are the same:

"Hey there, wanna have sex?"

I tried this twice and it worked both times. Then while having a conversation with a girl I was dating at the time she says something to the effect of "Some guy I'd met through friends a few times once asked me a party, straight-up did I want to just leave the party and go have some no-attachment sex with him. If I hadn't been the driver, I'd have probably taken him up on it, it was honest, confident, and that's pretty appealing". Now a couple of months later and I'm fairly intoxicated, feeling pretty smug. I pull this line out on a liberated looking woman, and got exactly what I deserved - a slap in the face.Ahh, to be 22 again (which coincidentally was the age of the girl in grad school who used this line on me, it worked) grin.gif" border="0

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So did you pay attention? Did any of our suggestions work? Keep tryin'! Even though pope and I are already hooked up [and not to each other, smartasses], we continue to receive unsolicited phone numbers, motel room keys, cookies, gifts and assorted "scented" clothing items on a daily basis. The wives have gotten used to this although they don't particularly like it and we pay extra for a special recycle bin to hold all of these crazy items. We donate the numerous teddy bears and other stuffed animals to charity. [and no, we don't give the used "teddy's" of the other kind to the spousal units.]

Change your pedestrian vulgar ways, average climber, and you, too, can dazzle the ladies without going down in flames trying to explain the global importance of sit-starts or "freshies". [big Drink][big Drink][big Drink]

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Originally posted by Dwayner:
We donate the numerous teddy bears and other stuffed animals to charity. [and no, we don't give the used "teddy's" of the other kind to the spousal units.]

As long as you don't give those teddies to Beck cause we know what he does to/with them...

tongue.gif" border="0

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Allow me to expand the arsenal of ice-breakin'-meetin'-the-babes-type pick-em-up lines (Dwayner and I don't actually employ these tactics...as he just mentioned, the action we see is already excessive). Ever notice that women are thrilled to let you drag 'em up the big climb, but when you come out of the cold and it's time to seal the deal, you don't know how to put the question? Try this one:

"Let's slip out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini!"

If it's meal time, you might try:

"What do you say we get a pizza and then go screw....Ouch!... Hey!....What, you don't like pizza?"

Or, if you're going to get together Saturday for your first big climbing date (not recommended), you could suggest:

"Let's start the day off right tomorrow with breakfast before we climb. Uhhh, should I call you or nudge you?"

Don't forget to compliment her sexy little Bobby-Girl sports bra:

"I approve of the way that sports bra enhances your already ample rackage. What a great item...no chance of me talking you out of it?"

Finally, keep her in suspense on the way back to the tent with:

"Hey, would you like to see something swell?"

[ 02-13-2002: Message edited by: pope ]

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Poor advice, Dru. She's only going to get really excited and say something like, "Pope? You know that guy?" Then you can forget about a one-night stand. She's going to follow you around like stink on a shit-heel, asking for my phone number. (Of course, she's only trying to get Pope's number 'cause she knows Pope knows Dwayner).

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Although I clearly think that Dwayners views on bolting are {insert derogatory comments of your choice here], after reading this - see quote below - on Salon.com, I feel his advice on the subject matter of this thread might be worthwhile.

"If men should find a lesson here, perhaps it is to consider the seductive possibilities of an archeology career. "Dxxxx is the kind of guy who has an infectious passion for his work," sighs Sharon, also an American. "Who wouldn't want to spend an hour in an Egyptian tomb listening to that soft, sensitive voice explaining the technicalities of hieroglyphs? There is something uniquely attractive about a man so absorbed in discovery. Plus I suppose also there is the thought of what it might be like to be the focus of that intensity."

[ 02-14-2002: Message edited by: Peter Puget ]

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What Prof. Puget says above (minus his erroneous bolt comment)is true. The years I have spent studying Egyptian hieroglyphs, "poking around in holes" [spare me the predictable "witticisms"], and other seemingly worthless pursuits were not in vain, even though basically I'm an overeducated ditch-digger. But I'll give you, my climbing buddies, a secret shortcut: Buy my book on ancient Egypt, learn a few facts for credibility purposes, take your date to a Museum and then PRETEND YOU CAN READ HIEROGLYPHS. Who the heck gonna know? She gonna think you're all edumacated and exotic and such and then it's up to you!

Agatha Christie, who was married to an archaeologist, is alleged to have said something to the effect of: "It's good to marry an archaeologist. The older you get, the more interested in you he becomes."

- Dwayner [big Drink][laf][hell no][sleep]

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