Scott_J Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 The Complete Military History of France 1. Gallic Wars In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, the Italians . 2. Hundred Years War Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted. 3. Italian Wars France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. 4. Wars of Religion France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots 5. Thirty Years War France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. 6. War of Revolution Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. 7. The Dutch War Tied 8. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War; Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. 9. War of the Spanish Succession Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. 10. American Revolution In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." 11. French Revolution Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French 12. The Napoleonic Wars Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. 13. The Franco-Prussian War Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. 14. World War I Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. 15. World War II Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. 16. War in Indochina Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. 17. Algerian Rebellion Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg_W Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 SWEET!!!! Loved it, Sisu!!!! Gotta love the French Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vegetablebelay Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Fuck the French! Just say no to French wine, French Cheese, French Bottled Water, and French Fries! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Saw a quote yesterday, allegedly made by Rumsfield. I'm kinda suspicious that it might be a urban legend hoax, but I liked it nonetheless. "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nolanr Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 But French kissing is still okay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nolanr Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Trask, There were a bunch of those in a op piece in the Local News section of yesterday's Seattle Times, pretty funny stuff. Somebody snagged the paper and I'm too much of a techno dunce to post a link. Anyway, it's there. The whole article is a pretty good French bashing session, takes a few swipes at the Germans, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catbirdseat Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 The French make such easy targets. They love the finer things in life. War doesn't rate very high on their scale of priorities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PullinFool Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 catbirdseat said: The French make such easy targets. They love the finer things in life. War doesn't rate very high on their scale of priorities. How do french fries rate? I'm rather dis-en-frenchised at this point... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairweather Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 How are the French doing in Ivory Coast these days? ...Gettin their asses kicked once again after years of meddling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MtnGoat Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 yeah, but *their* meddling somehow doesn't count, while our does, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 A Czech diplomat explained in the Economist why his country takes the American side in NATO debates. "One thing we learned from the 1930s- no more security guarantees from France." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minx Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 hey wasn't it the french who saved our bacon in the revolutionary war? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Bridgitte Bardot and French Ticklers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeclimb9 Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 eclairs and the TDF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iain Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 you guys laugh at the french but I gotta say the quality of life over there is nice. lots of napping and eating good food and makin love. They know how to live better than americans, at least from what I experienced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 speak for yourself - sounds close to my lifestyle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobBob Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 enslave the men and ravage their women Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 French Foreign Legion is tougher than any American force, no? Don't put criminals in jauil - exile them to a special military unit! (I know, I know, they're all there to forget painful love affairs....) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobBob Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 ...or to HAVE painful love affairs... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Dru said: French Foreign Legion is tougher than any American force, no? Don't put criminals in jauil - exile them to a special military unit! (I know, I know, they're all there to forget painful love affairs....) Dru, that's the hype, I don't believe they're any tougher than the Navy Seals or Israel's commandos. They wear funny hats that look like 2 qt. saucepans. (are those their messkits?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dru Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 israeli commandos have it easy, they dont fight real troops just Arabs. kinda like sending a Canadian all star hockey team up against a British grass hockey team... as for USA, their rep. is based solely on technology, none of them can actually fight worth a damn to all you American armed forces guys. Word is they dumbed down the physical requirements 3 times cause 60% of the Army failed and when you are an all volunteer army you take what you can get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iain Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 saw a show on buds training for navy seals the other day on tv. one look at that would be reason to invade the usa immediately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allthumbs Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Dru said: israeli commandos have it easy, they dont fight real troops just Arabs. kinda like sending a Canadian all star hockey team up against a British grass hockey team... as for USA, their rep. is based solely on technology, none of them can actually fight worth a damn to all you American armed forces guys. Word is they dumbed down the physical requirements 3 times cause 60% of the Army failed and when you are an all volunteer army you take what you can get. ACCORDING TO DRU & IAIN, US MILITARY PERSONNEL (Seals, Special Forces, Rangers et.al) ARE PUSSY'S AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobBob Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Iain, I know you are kidding. The French Foreign Legion is France's mercenary army, allowing them deniability as a 'peaceful' nation...miscreants from all over the place. They are the folks that France used in its dirty little colonization projects in various places around the globe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Flash_Amazing Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 "ACCORDING TO DRU & IAIN, US MILITARY PERSONNEL (Seals, Special Forces, Rangers et.al) ARE PUSSY'S AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT " What, you think we needed that paraphrased for us, ding-dong? Take your Cliff's Notes and go jump in the Sound. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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