DrPhil

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How to Spot and Deal with Passive-Aggressives Passive-Aggressive Behavior Warning Signs A reluctance or failure to keep promises. Sabotaging the efforts of others. Blaming others for personal failures. Exaggerating misfortunes. Complaining of feeling unappreciated or misunderstood. Persistent pessimism, even when things are going well. Avoiding work and social obligations, often making excuses. Dealing with a Passive-Aggressive Don't feel guilty. Remember that you're not to blame for someone else's passive aggressive behavior. Refuse to play their game. Because a passive-aggressive personality doesn't know how to respond appropriately to conflict, he or she will most likely deny everything. It's important to express your concerns and anger, but stick to the facts at hand and how his/her actions make you feel. Confront their dishonesty. Not confronting the passive aggressive behavior will only reinforce it. Confront the person immediately and let him/her know you are confused by his/her behavior and he/she has to stop the behavior if they value the relationship. Don't let them get away with bad behavior. Instead of letting the person get off the hook and allowing him/her to continue the behavior, try to create an atmosphere in which he/she might feel more comfortable sharing his/her feelings of anger, resentment, etc.

Communicating with Emotional Integrity If you respond to stress or conflict with an ingrained pattern that includes avoidance, anger, or denial, etc., it can get in the way of effective communication, distancing you even further from your partner. Dr. Phil suggests using the steps below in order to communicate with emotional integrity. Give or receive input. Be open to receiving input from your partner. You have to be willing to test and be tested. You don't have to say everything you're thinking, but everything you do say has to be accurate. If your partner asks you if you're upset, and you are, you have to be willing to say, "Yes." It's important that both partners know they are going to be told the truth. Reflect content and feelings. After receiving input from your partner, verify that what you are hearing is what your partner is actually saying. You've got to say, "What I hear from you content-wise is..." Then, to make sure you understand what he/she is feeling, you can say something like, "The feeling I'm getting from you is resentment/anger/hurt, etc." Accept Feedback and Respond. If you are the person who is giving the input, you have to clarify things if your partner isn't hearing what you are honestly trying to say. If you are the person receiving the input, you can respond once you know what you are responding to. Now that you are clear on what your partner is really saying, you can accept the feedback. Stay in the moment. Stay with the issues at hand. Do not discuss past history at any time during this process. Do not leave. Do not leave the discussion until it is completed. To keep it from dragging on, you can negotiate a time limit beforehand so that both of you know how long the conversation will last.

The Four Stages of Grief According to Dr. Phil, the biggest challenge people who are grieving will deal with is getting their minds around what they are facing. If you are in the grieving process, you can expect to go through these four stages: 1. Shock: Feeling numb. You may wake up wondering, "Is this real?" 2. Denial: Being unable to accept the situation. You may find yourself thinking, "This can't be happening. It's not real." 3. Anger: Wanting to lash out at everyone. You may continually ask, "How can this happen?" 4. Resolution: Feeling like there is a way past the grief, an end to the sadness. You may say to yourself, "I will get through this." During the grieving process, you may feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster ride, but things will get better if you allow yourself to heal.

From Dr. Phil's Ten Life Laws Life Law #1: You either get it, or you don't. Strategy: Become one of those who gets it. It's easy to tell these people apart. Those who "get it" understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Those who don't are stumbling along looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break. You must do what it takes to accumulate enough knowledge to "get it." You need to operate with the information and skills that are necessary to win. Be prepared, tune in, find out how the game is played and play by the rules. In designing a strategy and getting the information you need — about yourself, people you encounter, or situations — be careful from whom you accept input. Wrong thinking and misinformation can seal your fate before you even begin

Fighting Fair How you argue — especially how you end an argument — can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.) Here are Dr. Phil's specific rules for fighting fair. Take it private and keep it private. Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately. Keep it relevant. Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries down around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all. Keep it real. Deal with what really is at issue, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated. Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling. Remain task-oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it. Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you (perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke), and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement. Be proportional in your intensity. Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be. There's a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

Your life has a root core that, once understood, unlocks a powerful force to create your life the way it was meant to be, the way you want and need it to be.